


Memories In March

by EvilAngels26



Category: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6110923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilAngels26/pseuds/EvilAngels26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only after a loss can we be resurrected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 1: I, at last have this done and dusted. Initially I posted it on FF net part-wise and now that it’s all done, decided to put it on AO3 after all.
> 
> A/N 2: Who knows what I had in mind when I decided to write this, maybe torturing myself was one. This story follows a pattern of switching between the past and present with every alternate chapter, hope it’s not too much of a problem. For ease of reading, everything in the past has been italicised.
> 
> A/N 3: Please do bear with me if the initial few chapters are cryptic because there’ll be flashbacks later to give it more coherence, I hope. 
> 
> A/N 4: None of the characters in this story belong to me. I declare that Miranda Priestly officially belongs to Meryl Streep and the rest of it belongs to Lauren Weisberger or Fox Studios, whichever.
> 
> A/N 5: Un-betaed, so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Trigger warning: Death of a child, so please read only if you’re comfortable with it. I hope tragedies like this which tear apart families never befall any of you.

**_The smallest coffins are the heaviest_ **

 

 _“Your absence has gone through me_ __  
Like thread through a needle.  
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”   
― W.S. Merwin

 

July 11th, 2009

Sunday, 9:24 a.m.

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

 

She doesn't have reason to be here anymore. Patricia is long gone and the girls haven't asked for another pet as yet. However, she still seems to have not fallen out of the routine of bringing Patricia to Central Park, along with her family, every Sunday morning.

The house is empty because her fourteen year old twins are at their  father's, so she seeks out solace in the water of this fountain.

Today, she doesn't recognize her reflection in the water and it's been like this for a few days, no months, no--almost a year.

It's not just her physical appearance- of course her hair's whiter if that's possible and she has more wrinkles poking at her skin and she's lost weight, too much weight. But that's not it, there is something in her eyes that she doesn't recognize, like someone else is staring back at her-someone who learnt and enjoyed and lived momentarily and then suddenly died. This new woman whom she doesn't recognize was only born last March.

March signifies the arrival of Spring- The winds in March are as ferocious as the lion and yet as soft as satin. Winter is over after all- spring is just around the corner. The sap is beginning to run, the buds are swelling, and wildly exotic flowers are beginning to poke through the mould and duff! Rejuvenation is in the making and a thousand things are happening underground that for six long months or more were dead and forgotten.

 

In all creation there is nothing more exhilarating that this rebirth of life. She mocks at the irony of her situation.

She got a new life alright but it’s the one she never wanted back. They gave her hope and then went away in March. Not long after, Patricia left too.

Loss is such an indefinable thing, the grief of it stays back no matter what you do, how hard you try to get rid of it and move on.

It’s the girls and her again and the occasional sleazy scumbags from the grand Runway soirees who are worthy enough to spend only a night in her bed.

She doesn't like these encounters per se, but she needs it. A plunge into oblivion, a momentary respite from that constant ache, a moment of carnal pleasure, a futile attempt to take her away from an ever-present grief.

She wonders how Andrea is coping. They didn’t even see each other at Trinity on the one year mark.

 It’s been a year and four months. Almost. Yet it’s new, the pain and the ache and the grief seem to have been afflicted on her only yesterday.

As she reminiscences, she is knocked out, literally by a St. Bernard  almost climbing onto her looking for something and for a moment she thinks it's Patricia, but isn't, because this one's smaller and wilder unlike her docile darling.

She ruffles her fur and talks to her in the dog language she seems to have mastered and the dog looks at her lovingly. She misses Patricia but can’t seem to get herself a new one. She misses too many things which are unattainable.

She’s scared of loss. She’s not very good at it. She doesn’t think she can take any more of it. No, not again.

She wonders who this dog belongs to. As if to answer her question a little boy of about 5 comes running out of nowhere screaming in the most melodious voice 'Jessie, Jessie where are you?' He sees Miranda and stops 2 steps short of her.

And for a moment Miranda loses all sense of time and place. There is something all too familiar about him. The blue eyes and the brown hair. That lovely smile. _He would’ve looked like this, just like this._

His mellifluous voice breaks her out of her reverie, ‘Jessie, get down girl, mommy is calling us!' He seems completely un-intimidated by Miranda's presence but nevertheless looks at her curiously.

Miranda is fascinated by this little boy and she can't help but smile lovingly at him. She wonders how different her life might have been if, _if he would’ve been around._

_There would have been no ties of blood between them but those eight months within her womb had been enough for her to lie down on the tarmac to save his life._

'Why are you crying?' The boy asks and Miranda wonders for a moment who he is speaking to before realizing it’s directed at her.

She traces her fingers over her cheeks and can feel the hot wetness of tears against her cool skin.

She finds her voice and says, 'I don't know sweetheart,' she traces a finger across his cheek, 'what's your name?'

'Christopher, but everyone calls me Chris.' He says nonchalantly. She withdraws her fingers like they’re gonna get burnt by merely touching his cheek.

This all seems so very surreal to her.

She can't get herself to say the name again. Not even after a year and four months. Instead she takes the dog whose name she's learnt is Jessie and puts her down from her lap. 'Here you go.'

She doesn't want him to go. If she could she'd look at him forever, but she can't find words to stall him.

'Chris, Jessie where are you nerds?' A voice, a very very familiar voice calls from behind Miranda.

She doesn't want to hope or believe so she turns her head back not expecting to see Andrea, not at all. But there she is, in all her glory wearing that old Godforsaken Northwestern hoodie and skin hugging jeans. Her hair is different-shorter and edgier with more fringes. She looks like a teenager, almost.

And then their eyes meet while time stops, yet again.

They're at either sides of the fountain, only the water preventing them a clear view of one another.

And suddenly Miranda is acutely aware of her appearance. She knows she aged a little too much ever since their last meeting.

Miranda is frozen in place while Andy walks over taking in her appearance, their eyes still on each other, as if piercing the souls.

Christopher is the first to break the quiet, 'Mommy, Jessie was being a naughty girl, so I had to come look and then,' he looks up to Miranda and adds, 'this snow fairy helped me.'

The adults can't help but laugh at his choice of words. The moment is cut short with Jessie running off again and Chris following her.

'Don't get too far away!' Andy shouts out.

And then there is silence, absolute. Only interrupted by the gurgling sounds of the water from the fountain.

Too much water under the bridge. Too much grief and pain. Too many things left unsaid. Too many memories.

_Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. Andrea had said, only if she had heard._

Andy, yet again, is ready to break the ice, 'I adopted him last July and then got Jessie too. I figured he would have looked like him. How are you?'

Miranda ignores the last part of the question, 'Chr---Christopher?!' It’s the first time she has said the name since last March.

'Yeah, like I said, he reminds me of him.' Andy says smiling radiantly, almost glowing. Then she looks at Miranda and says, 'You look...You've lost a lot of weight.'

Miranda had hoped she wouldn't notice. She smiles wryly and adjusts her clothes as if that will miraculously make her gain weight.

'Hmm,maybe. You look beautiful.'

Andy blushes,'Oh well. It's him. He keeps me on my feet all day! He's a bundle of joy.'

A physical ache courses through Miranda's body. She wants to be happy for Andrea but can't get herself to be. She knows Andrea has found a way to make those painful memories her strength and go ahead with what life has to offer, while she still clings on to the memories from last March.

'Yes he seems like it. You're so brave Andrea.' She says with a faraway look on her face while she rests her hand on her abdomen for a momentary second.

'No Miranda. We chose two different paths. That's it. The pain will always be there, but I chose to make new happy memories to help heal it. You decided to not make an effort.'

And Miranda's defenses are up again. She bristles at the insinuation. What does she know about pain? How could she say such a thing?

_Then again, wasn’t it Andrea who had lost her only heir, a tie of blood. They had both lost him, so what if she had carried him, it did not hurt Andrea any less._

All the memories, the pain-physical and mental, the heartbreak, comes back--she remembers March-all the fear, the momentary joy, the panic, the frantic hour before everything, her world as she knew it crashed around her and then, then came the grief-the ever-present grief gnawing constantly at her existence.

She puts her hand on her flat stomach again, involuntarily, pushes back the grief, the frustration and anger to the recesses of her mind.

'I've read your articles, they're unique and refreshing. You're doing great.'

Andy ruffles her fringes, something Miranda has forever adored,'Umm, thanks. I'm glad you like 'em , it means a lot. I got a promotion so we just moved in to this side of the city!'

Andy sees Chris and Jessie venturing out of sight and shouts out again, 'Don't go where I can't see you, you two.'

Something warm stirs in Miranda's heart seeing Andy like this; she wonders how different things might have been.

Miranda realizes that Andrea is so much more mature and brave than she is.

‘Congratulations, I’m sure you deserved it.’ Miranda says and Andy smiles again.

'How are the girls, and Runway?'

‘Rebellious, is the word I’d use, for both. They’re growing and Runway is Runway.’ If Andy hadn’t majored in Miranda 101 she wouldn’t have understood her cryptic answers, but Miranda’s tone and answer says _it’s the same as you left them._

Andy wants to talk to Miranda more, but she can see Jessie and Chris getting impatient. Her heart breaks to see Miranda this way and even after everything last March she wants to see Miranda happy. But she has moved on and duty calls her.

‘Umm, I gotta go, Chris..he’s waiting. I’ll see you around.’ And even before Miranda can reply she takes off.

Miranda turns back to see Andy running up to Chris and taking him in her arms. Her heart clenches at the sight and yet is filled with an incomprehensible joy. For a moment, her eyes meet the child’s crystal eyes and she has hope, the flicker of hope she has always had, that nothing is truly ever lost.

Who knows what tomorrow holds for you.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Hope is the thing with feathers_ _  
That perches in the soul  
And sings the tune without the words   
And never stops at all.”   
__―_ Emily Dickinson

_17 th June, 2007_

_11.34 p.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_The Townhouse_

 

_‘I ,’ followed by a string of incoherent words are babbled by the silver haired fashion maven from in between Andy’s breasts where she has buried her face which is busy inhaling her lover’s scent and then a coherent ‘baby.’_

_Andy is still recovering from the body shattering orgasm Miranda had her endure and her mind is still fuzzy from everything that transpired in the past hour- the foreplay, the hot open-mouthed kisses, the sucking, the mixture of juices flowing, their hands going all over the place, did she mention the kisses, Miranda’s breasts..Miranda herself, things that have happened for quite a while now, but which seem new and exciting every time around._

_They’ve been together for almost nine months, she left in Paris alright, but she left Runway. That was all. She was soon back in Miranda’s life by a dumb stroke of luck, there were a lot of tears and apologizing and the rest as they say was history._

_So, she is used to these adorable half-talks of her otherwise stern lipped lover, during sex. She loves when all Miranda can utter is ‘Aahs’ and ‘Uuhns’ and then becomes a babbling sleepy, sappy mess._

_So she doesn’t care much about what Miranda says and casually utters a ‘Yeah’ while caressing Miranda’s back._

_At this Miranda cocks up her head and looks at her lovers face, with utmost sincerity and focus, ‘Really?’_

_And now Andy is confused. ‘Umm, yeah sure. Uum, you’re... my...baby!?’ she hopes this is what Miranda had said._

_‘What? I’m you’re..what?’ and then it dawns on Miranda that her words haven’t  been paid attention to at all and she cackles. Yes, Miranda Priestly cackles in the safety of her house, in the arms of her lover who looks at her like she is a work of art._

_‘Andrea, do keep up. I said... I want to have your baby.’ Miranda says while she turns herself over and settles in Andy’s arms._

_It’s a Saturday and the twins don’t have school tomorrow, thank God, because then they can sleep in till late and talk about important things tonight. Like it is happening right now._

_If Andy was confused a minute ago, she is dumb-founded now. She wonders where this is coming from, it’s true they had been talking about kids because Andy is young and wants to become a mother like any other woman. However they soon realize that her uterus isn’t viable for carrying a child. Andy remembers crying herself to sleep while Miranda had tried to soothe her very awkwardly, because Miranda Priestly can’t do emotions. She can only offer solutions to problems like she is doing right now._

_‘If you can’t carry it, I will.’ Miranda says matter-of-factly and slowly sits up._

_All thoughts of sleep, coffee and unfinished news paper articles leave Andy’s mind while she just keeps staring at her lover who looks back cockily. This is Miranda’s way of consoling someone and Andy knows this isn’t insincere._

_She needs time, time to process this, time to assess how crazy this sounds, and time to know how safe this is for Miranda, so she decides to stall her._

_‘Umm, Miranda, last I remember, my Biology teacher said an embryo is made by the fusion of an egg and a sperm, umm..I am..I’m not capable of you know, producing..I’m not a guy.’_

_Miranda has the gall to look amused and then a bit annoyed. She shifts away from Andy, slightly miffed and Andy knows all this kidding won’t work. When Miranda Priestly is serious she is nothing but._

_‘I have been looking at surrogacy brochures and I spoke to Susan, she says it’s perfectly safe.’ Miranda says while playing with the ring on her index finger._

_Andy stares, mouth agape._

_‘Susan, Dr. Abassac? My gynaecologist.’ Miranda repeats._

_Andy shakes her head, ‘Yeah, I know who she is! Are..are you sure?’_

_Miranda glares._

_‘Yeah..umm, you..you, umm, we need a donor.’_

_‘Yes, they are readily available. I’m not interested in seeing him, you can choose. Susan says her clinic is more than equipped to perform the IVF culture and I can continue visiting her if I do get pregnant. If you agree, I can get an appointment set up for us, tomorrow.’_

_Miranda is very very serious about this and does not want to waste time and Andy knows not to make fun of this. So she says what she is expected to._

_‘Sure, okay!’_

* * *

 

_And that’s how it’s done. Like that, just like that the ball is set rolling._

_The next few weeks is a blur- doctor’s appointments, extensive research on surrogacy procedures, the dangers of it (of course Dr. Abassac hadn’t said it’s ‘perfectly safe’ unlike Miranda had enunciated), finding a donor, getting used to the fact that they were actually trying to have a baby._

_When Christine, Miranda’s first assistant tells Emily who is now the new assistant Art Editor about the frequent trips to the doctor she pretends to not understand or analyse the situation although she tells Nigel nevertheless who pretends to do the same._

_Miranda had of course kept to her word and declined to have a look at the donor. Andy realized that Miranda did not do empty words and hollow emotions, she did actions, selfless actions like this to show Andy what she meant to her. Andy decides she’s never felt luckier in life._

_So she chooses blue eyes which would remind her of Miranda and the love she has for her. Although Dr.Abassac has already told her that given her genotype the chances of the baby having blue eyes would only be 25% given blue eyes were a recessive trait. She goes ahead with a white male with brown hair and blue eyes, about her own age, not especially handsome but attractive nevertheless._

_While Andy does as she is told to do for the IVF culture, Miranda is put on a million different medicines to prepare her uterus to receive the embryo, which meant her hormones were all over the place which also indirectly implied that the Runway staff was buried alive._

_After the procedure, Dr. Susan had very sternly ordered a two day bed rest to make sure the implantation would be successful to which Miranda had acquiesced after much coaxing and cajoling._

_Andy has been working on auto-pilot mode all these days and she doesn’t know what to feel. Not when most of the work is over and all she can do is wait, wait for the results, and wait for the test to show up 2 pink lines. She has realized that after all, she wants this, wants this more than she’s ever wanted anything else in her life, almost as much as she wants Miranda._

_On the other hand, Miranda is a waking, sleeping, eating, talking mess. Somehow she feels responsible for whatever the outcome might be- she is in charge of Andrea’s baby and like everything under her control this too needs to be perfect, this can’t get screwed up. Not in a million years._

_So, everything is a mess, a tangle of nervous energy, tangy acrid attitudes, and moods over the edge, ready for a volcanic eruption, too many emotions-terror, apprehension, anxiety, and excitement._

_It’s this one thing-now or never. They will not allow this to go awry._

_Luckily the twins don’t catch on the tension because Miranda and Andy have no intentions of telling them anytime soon. They have enough at school to worry and be excited about. They want to tell no one until they’re a 200% sure._

* * *

 

_15 th July, 2007_

_7.24 p.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_The Townhouse_

_It’s been 14 days since the whole IVF transfer of the zygote to Miranda’s uterus took place._

_They had started checking from day 11 for results and had come up negative all three times till last night._

_Dr.Susan said it might take time or it might even mean that the process has been a failure, the chances of which are high, given Miranda’s age and physical health._

_Andy is pacing outside the bathroom, her hands are wet from perspiration and yet she has them clamped around each other and is wringing them every other second. It’s exactly like that scene from the movies where the father is waiting eagerly for the ‘good news’ outside the delivery room._

_Both of them have been losing hope with every night that the result showed up negative. She doesn’t have much hope for tonight either. It won’t work out after-all. It’s not meant to be. She loves Caroline and Cassidy perfectly well and it won’t matter in two days, but still...._

_The bathroom door opens._

_Andy is overtly anxious to see Miranda’s face and hope against hope that they’ve done it. But she can’t see Miranda emerge and her heart drops to her feet thinking Miranda is too ashamed or sad or whatever else to even show her face._

_But then, then a woman peeks from behind the door with a shy smile on her face. She looks exactly like her Miranda, but younger more radiant and beautiful._

_It is Miranda after all, as she emerges from behind the door. She nods once and then smiles again-she suddenly looks younger, almost miraculously._

_Andy is delirious with joy and again she doesn’t know what to do._

_Miranda is still standing there with that shy expression on her face which Andy has never seen before. She looks beautiful and Andy knows her mind is playing tricks with her but there is something different about the way Miranda looks- something somewhat maternal and it gives rise to this ridiculously warm feeling in Andy’s heart._

_Miranda is pregnant with her child and Andy feels a fierce wave of protectiveness over her, the way she feels with Caroline and Cassidy._

_She internally pledges to take care of Miranda and this unborn child who is giving rise to these unknown emotions that she has never felt before._

_She ultimately finds courage to move from her spot and close the distance between them._

_She doesn’t thank Miranda because that’s not the right thing to do, because it’s their child, the gratitude is mutual, Andy realizes as she gazes into her lovers eyes._

_Instead she kisses Miranda, who kisses back as passionately as Andy is kissing her. Everything from the past few weeks: the tension, the anxiety, the worry all melts away in that moment when their tongues battle for a mutual existence in each other’s presence._

_This, tonight, just knowing about the things to come infuses them with enormous hope and that is enough---enough gratitude for having each other in their lives and the child that they can rightfully call theirs._


	3. Chapter 3

 

_“I sustain myself with the love of family.”_ _  
_ ― Maya Angelou

 

23rd July, 2009

1.03 p.m.

Jim’s Shanghai

Chinatown, Manhattan

 

Miranda comes here because she feels safe. Safe to think about Andy and everything she misses.

 

So just like they did every Thursday, when Andy was there, the twins and Miranda still make their way to that hideous food-joint in Chinatown which Andy emphasized was the ‘best thing in the world.’

 

Of course soon it did become one of the greatest things in the world, atleast to the twins, and secretly to Miranda. This place holds too many memories, inerasable and fleeting and much too wonderful.

 

So they come here. Miranda’s assistant whose name she doesn’t remember keeps this slot free for her, without fail, because Christine and Emily and Nigel all make sure that she does so. Miranda knows that this is the only form of true happiness she can give the twins these days; of course there are the incessant gifts which she showers them with. But they’re bigger now at 14 and much too old, mentally, for their years anyway, so the gifts are just a pathetic substitute for whatever it is that Miranda thinks they crave.

 

Caroline and Cassidy look forward to Thursdays. Every Thursday is a treat. Jim’s Shanghai is the only remnant from that part of their lives that they remember as happy. They know that their mother tries, tries to give them all the happiness, shield them from the grief, just like Andy did. Except Andy was better at it. She managed to keep them happy. Truly happy. By doing things, things like this-lunch at small places, playing at local video game parlours, going to theme parks and every other ridiculous thing Andy did with her dad when she was a kid she did with them.

 

They miss Andy dearly, but that night from last March is seared all too well in their fourteen year old minds.

 

_And don’t try to contact my children. That’s all._

And that had been that for them. They hadn’t heard from Andy since that night in March. They sometimes try to read those articles in their Mom’s study, safely stacked away in a corner, all bearing the same by line in them. ‘By Andy Sachs’. They don’t understand much of it, but somehow they feel safer knowing Andy, their Andy is safe, somewhere.

 

Today’s one of those days when it’s sunny and bright and you’re supposed to feel happy, but Miranda is anything but. That scene from two weeks back keeps playing in her mind, again and again- the little boy, Andrea, the St. Bernard, things that were once hers.

 

No matter how many times she tries to push it back, it comes back to haunt her again and again. She didn’t tell the girls about her meeting, of course.

 

So while the girls get their plates laden with dim sums and tell her about their week Miranda sits there, half listening, half somewhere else.

 

Then suddenly the air shifts, not like when Miranda enters a room and the temperature dips and suddenly everything goes quiet, this feels more like a sudden infusion of warmth, and the chimes near the door ring, somebody enters.

 

And Miranda knows, she knows Andy is here again, she can feel it in her bones.

 

As Andy enters the deli a thousand memories rush back, she hasn’t been here since the last Thursday of February last year. She’s tried too hard to move on but it’s been a difficult year, only Chris’s presence has helped her survive.

 

She is afraid to fall back in love with all these things from the past, Jessie and Christopher are enough for her. She’s learnt to let go and make new memories, but these past few weeks, ever since she met Miranda, the older memories keep consuming her whole.  This place is bringing back memories which she thought she no longer remembers, but which after all have been there all along.

 

She’ll learn to make new memories here too, and she looks around the place to take it in while balancing Chris on her hip.

 

She sees Chris pointing a finger at something and she presumes its one of the savouries but as her eyes reach the spot she sees Miranda Priestly staring back at them, face as white as paper.

 

Andy has this immense urge to rush out of the restaurant that second and run away from everything that connects her back to this woman. However Chris is already wriggling in her arms and so she lets go of him while her eyes stay fixed on the older woman who is still looking back with that blank expression on her face.

 

Before Andy knows it Chris is out of her arms and running towards Miranda. He had asked about Miranda when they had gone back from the park the other day, apparently he had taken a serious liking towards her ‘snowy hair’. Andy had averted talking much about her by indulging him in a bag of doughnuts.

 

When she had made the decision of moving up here she knew that her chances of bumping into Miranda had increased but she didn’t expect this to happen so frequently. She’d never in a million years think that Miranda would keep visiting this joint much after Andy’s departure. Then she reasons out that perhaps the twins had forced her to which brought her to the question of where the twins were.

 

And then her eyes fall on the two red heads sitting at the table with Miranda facing away from her.

 

There is a sudden commotion and she can’t see Miranda anymore. She sees the red heads turn back and look towards something. For a moment her heart fills with joy at their sight, it’s been over a year since she last saw them. They look older and prettier, so much like their mother. She can of course recognize which is who- and for a moment she somehow feels as if she sees herself in them.

 

She tears her vision away from them to look at what they’re looking at so curiously.

 

At first she only sees the snowy haired woman bent over something and then her eyes focus on something in her arms. Her boy, her son is lying in Miranda’s arms and crying. He must have hit one of the furniture and fallen down.

 

Almost spontaneously she rushes to the spot and she sees that he’s bleeding near his left eye. She kneels down to inspect the cut while he keeps crying in Miranda’s arms who’s uttering non-sensical baby language to get him to keep quiet. She’s glad someone else is there because Andy’s mind has stopped working.

 

‘Mommy my head hurts.’ Chris wails while clinging onto Miranda’s blouse.

 

_We can’t lose him._

 

‘We need to take him to the hospital, this needs stitches.’ Miranda says while looking up at Andy but keeping her grip tight around the boy.  Miranda’s eyes are shining with what Andy thinks are unshed tears.

 

_We._

 

Andy nods vigorously while Miranda lifts him up in her arms.

 

The twins who’ve now managed to reach the spot seem to be utterly and completely clueless and flabbergasted. Here is their Andy looking as Andy as ever and then there is this boy who’s got those blue eyes and is calling Andy mommy and then there is their Mom who seems determined to make sure the little boy is alright.

 

Their mother is already making her way towards the door with Andy trailing behind. Cassidy rushes and takes one of Andy’s hands who looks down unseeingly and gives the little girl’s hand a light squeeze. Caroline is quick to hold open the door for Miranda with all the strength she has.

 

That threat from last year seems a galaxy behind. _And don’t try to contact my children. That’s all._

Because Miranda herself has broken it by taking Chris in her arms while Andy holds onto Cassidy for strength.

 

Andy has never seen this much blood on Chris and she knows it’s gonna be fine because her head tells her that but she’s shit scared in her heart.

 

_We can’t lose him._

 

Suddenly she has an armful of Chris as Miranda thrusts him onto Andy and get’s into the driver’s seat of her red Porsche and mutters a hasty ‘GET IN.’

 

And of course Andy obeys her and gets into the front seat while the twins clamber in at the back. And in a minute Miranda whizzing past cars and sifting through busy rush hour New York traffic.

 

‘Don’t let him fall asleep,’ Miranda’s voice breaks, then ‘keep talking to him,’ she says in a stern, detached voice.

 

The twins dare not say a word although their minds are bursting with questions.

 

‘Hey buddy, where does it hurt?’ Andy manages while stroking a thumb across his cheek.

 

‘Head!’ he says faintly.

 

‘For godsake Andrea, talk about something else.’  Andy looks at Miranda whose eyes are focused on the road but her face is beet red. And... and... she’s crying.

 

Shit.

 

Andy wonders what’s making Miranda cry- she has an idea of course- it can’t be Chris because he isn’t that hurt and he’s not even Miranda’s son, although...no, Miranda is crying because, because and Andy cannot get herself to remember why because she fears that even she’d start crying.

  
And that she can’t, not when Chris is in her lap, she needs to be brave for his sake, make him believe it’s gonna be okay.

 

She muses that it had always been that way. Miranda would start out strong and then break down while Andy played the reverse role. It worked well mostly but then one night in March it stopped working altogether.

 

‘Mommy I feel sleepy.’ Chris slurred.

 

‘Yeah sweetpea, we’re here, it’ll be fine. Tell---’

 

‘If you’re gonna be a good boy and recite Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Mommy is gonna buy you ice-cream’ Miranda cut in as she glared at Andy through glassy eyes. Andy cringed.

 

And just like his mother, Chris too obeyed Miranda and started reciting the poem. The pain and disorientation made him forget words which were provided by Caroline and Cassidy and occasionally by Andy. And even before the rhyme was over they were in the emergency ward of the New York Presbyterian where he was wheeled into the operation theatre as soon as they saw who was with them.

 

While the doctors stitched up the wound the four of them waited outside the operation theatre.

 

_You’ll please wait here; the doctors are working on him the nurse told a frazzled Andy who held onto a shell shocked Miranda._

The twins were still scared to even utter a word but once the doctor had assured that Chris would be fine once it was all stitched up Andy felt much more at ease and she turned to regard the girls. Her girls. The ones she had come to love as her own. She remembers the first few months when everything she did with Chris would remind her of them.

 

They’re sitting on the waiting bench in their not so identical outfits quietly regarding the woman they had come to accept as their mentor, friend, companion and almost a second mother. A stable source of joy and entertainment.

 

‘You both have gone so big. Look at you being pretty.’ She hugs them and smells in their scent and mumbles ‘I’ve missed you.’

 

And they huddle into her, and just keep clinging onto her and mumble ‘we missed you too’. When they disentangle themselves their eyes are watery and so are Andy’s. She feels a need to explain, tell them about everything and all this while Miranda just stares blankly at them without even uttering a single word.

 

‘Chris..Christopher’ she nods towards the operation theatre, ‘and I moved up here a few weeks back because my office is closer from here. I adopted him last year in July.’ They’re old enough to know the truth, so she offers it plainly to them. And then she doesn’t know what more to say, so she adds ‘how have you been?’

 

‘Great’ they chorus and Andy knows they’re not interested in talking about themselves but would rather want to know more about Chris, where they’re staying, would they see her again, will she come to the townhouse, where did she find Chris, why does he have blue eyes and brown hair and so many of the other questions that their faces betray. And sadly Andy doesn’t have the answer to most of them.

 

As if on cue the OT door opens and the doctor comes to her rescue, ‘He’s fine. Just a few stitches. He’s still unconscious so he might have a slight concussion when he wakes up. Nothing too serious. You can see him once we shift him to a room’ he addresses Miranda directly and ignores the rest of them before he takes off his gloves and walks away.

 

Miranda turns her head sideways to look at Andy and does the familiar ‘eyebrow raise’ as if to tell Andy ‘did you hear the doctor, you were fussing unnecessarily’. As if.

 

Andy walks upto where Miranda is standing and takes her in. She looks tired just like the way she had looked two weeks back and her make-up had been good enough to hide the dark circles until she cried and ruined it. Her expensive cream chiffon blouse is ruined with little patches of dried blood on it.

 

Andy doesn’t know how to thank her for being there and helping her out with Chris so she stupidly points at the blouse and says ‘Umm, I can pay for the..umm...dry-cleaning’ and even before the words are out of her mouth she knows what a grave mistake she has committed.

 

_Andrea never talk to me about money or fight with me over it. Understood_

Oh she had understood alright, so what happened tonight? She sees Miranda’s face going red and her left eye twitches. And for a moment there is that flicker of hurt in her eyes which changes into contempt the next second.

 

She turns on her heels and walks past her like a hurricane muttering a stern ‘Come girls’ after her.

 

The twins look back at her, and all she can do is nod her head sideways to tell them she’s sorry but they can’t do anything and their mother is long out of sight, so they follow suit.

 

And like that, just like that Andy is left waiting alone in the hospital ward. Alone. As usual.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.”_  
― Ayn Rand

 

_15 th July, 2007_

_9.04 p.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_The Townhouse_

_‘Make love to me. It won’t be long before all you get is a hormonal, whiny, sick, and bloated up woman.’ Miranda pants after breaking away from the kiss Andy was indulging her in._

_‘Sshh. None of that. Didn’t I tell you, I’ll love you whenever, wherever, whatever, however.’ Andy said while nuzzling her head in Miranda’s neck, inhaling her unique scent and wrapping her hands around her lover’s still slender waist._

_Miranda disengages the upper part of their bodies to look into Andy’s face. Andy can’t quite read the emotions in those crystal blue eyes but she guesses that it has something to do with relief, gratitude and reverence, but her mind is still reeling from all the happiness and it is probably deceiving her._

_Then Miranda smirks and leads her to their bed by hand, looking back at her occasionally with that mischievous grin on her face._

_Then she plays hard to get, of course. Typical Miranda._

_Miranda settles in bed and very nonchalantly starts taking off her earrings and then her heels and all the while Andy is standing near the bed, her sex throbbing with desire for this woman who drove her mad each waking moment of her life._

_Andy knows Miranda is extremely pleased with herself having been able to drive her lover crazy with her antics only and Andy knows it isn’t long before she gives into the teasing._

_Miranda begins to take off her stockings and her olive green velvet skirt rides up exposing a flawless ivory thigh and that’s enough for Andy._

_She climbs into bed and stops Miranda midway while she purrs into her ears ‘That’s enough.’_

_Miranda whimpers and turns her head sideways as that stubborn forelock falls onto her face. Andy takes advantage of the exposed patch of skin on her neck and showers it with warm open mouthed kisses. This time Miranda moans. Her right hand which was attempting to take off her stocking falls limp for a moment and then she lifts it up to caress Andy’s right arm while her other arm draws Andy further into Miranda’s body._

_No matter how many times they’ve done this before the thrill of it is as new as it was the first time. Andy struggles with taking off Miranda’s expensive skirt careful not to rip it and then starts work on the beige blouse with the plunging neckline which had otherwise given enough access to her. But she needs to see Miranda, needs to worship the body which will carry her child._

_  
While Andy succeeds in divesting Miranda of her garments, Miranda has been less successful. The kisses she’s being showered with is driving her mad with ecstasy, so all she can do is whimper, quiver and moan as Andy takes charge._

_Andy looks up for a moment to marvel at her handiwork. Miranda is completely naked on their bed, flushed with blotches of red marring her otherwise flawless neck and breastbone. The stubborn forelock glints in the golden light of the room as Miranda quivers then raises both her hands in a gesture to call Andy back, already missing the feeling of her body against hers._

_And that is enough to make Andy plunge back into the bubble of carnal pleasure as she kisses Miranda all over. She plants a fervent kiss on each nipple and nips at it while Miranda whimpers, and then travels down to that scar near her stomach which is a reminder of her having given birth to her precious daughters._

_Andy’s heart is again filled with pride thinking about how in 9 months this body would have given birth to their child. This, tonight feels new, as if Andy is born again. As if this Miranda underneath her, carrying this child inside her is even more beautiful and radiant, if that’s possible._

_She can feel Miranda’s scent strongly and the rest can go to hell because she needs to taste her, so she slowly parts her legs and is more than happy to see that Miranda’s dripping wet,  her outer lips red and swollen ready to be paid attention to._

_Andy flicks her tongue across the outer lips and Miranda moans in delight ‘Oh darling’ and holds Andy’s head in place while thrusting her hips forward._

_Andy is glad for the easier access and starts her ministrations in full swing. She plunges two fingers into Miranda while she keeps lapping at the abundance of juices._

_Miranda whimpers and quivers and emits little ‘Aahs’ and ‘Uuhns’ which makes Andy fuzzyheaded._

_She fucks Miranda in slow even rhythmic movements and when Miranda whimpers breathlessly ‘Faster!’ she does exactly that while grinding her palm into Miranda’s clit and soon Miranda is cumming all over Andy’s hands and shivering in the aftermath of an orgasm trying to contain her moans by biting into the pillow._

_Her chest heaving, face flushed, eyes closed in ecstasy, with that silver forelock sticking due to the sheen of sweat covering her forehead. All the while Andy holds her and revels in being with Miranda and seeing her caught in the throes of passion._

_Andy feels like the luckiest girl on Earth._

_As Miranda rides out of her orgasm and gets her bearings back Andy settles down beside her happy and sated enough to be this way but Miranda has other plans as she climbs atop Andy and kisses her mouth tasting herself on Andy, ‘Let me love you.’_

_Then all Andy remembers is revelling in the sensation of Miranda’s hands all over her body and kisses from paradise and orgasming even without the help of Miranda’s hand. So loving Andy Miranda does and that too for a great while after which they fall into a dreamless sleep wrapped in each other’s arms._

_4.04 a.m_

_Andy stands near their bedroom window with her back towards the room and her lover who’s sleeping soundlessly on their comfortable bed._

_A slight frown mars her beautiful features as she looks out into the dark, seeing nothing. Last night had been a ridiculously happy moment in her life, she had never felt such happiness but this morning when the newness of it has worn off, just a bit, she lets the other worries sink in._

_She desperately wants things to be alright, for Miranda to not suffer too much or be in too much pain, she wants this to be successful, she wants this to be easy and lots of other things which sound improbable._

_‘Andre---Andrea’ she hears her lovers sleepy voice calling her back to bed. She turns back to see Miranda looking dis-oriented with her sleep mussed hair as she blinks and then extends a hand to call Andy back to bed._

_Who is she to reject the offer? It’s cold, Miranda and a warm bed calls._

_She climbs in as Miranda covers them with a blanket and wraps her hand around Andy’s mid-section. But sleep evades Andy and like everything else Miranda is quick enough to catch it and know the reason of her lover’s worry._

_‘We’ll do this. It’ll be fine.’ She says assuredly and Andy smiles. Her Miranda is capable of anything in the world and she’ll do this too._

_She turns to look at Miranda who’s looking lovingly into her eyes and Andy is hopeful again. Yes they will do this._

_So she smiles and says instead, ‘I’m not rich enough to buy you expensive presents but know this that I am so grateful..so very grateful.’_

_‘Andrea never talk to me about money or fight with me over it. Understood.’ Miranda huffs._

_‘Yes, yes, understood, I just want to..to let you know in some way what this means to me.’ She rests a hand on Miranda’s flat abdomen and kisses her forehead._

_Miranda pulls at a chain on Andy’s neck which she has worn ever since she was 5. It’s a simple gold locket with an ‘A’ on it, it was a birthday gift from her grandfather and she has always loved wearing it. It’s simple and small and not too expensive but it’s one of her prized possessions._

_‘Give this to me’ Miranda says coyly._

_Andy is amazed that Miranda would want something so plebeian, so common and want to make it her own. So she asks, ‘Give it..umm, you want to wear it?’_

_Miranda glares and gives her the ‘what-else–do-you-think-I-would-do-with- it?- Eat-it.’_

_Then she softens and says, ‘That way I can carry you around with me all the time.’ Then a smirk._

_Andy again has that feeling of being the luckiest girl alive._

_Without another word, she takes it off and ties it around Miranda’s neck. They both look at it for a while and then Miranda takes her hand, kisses it and drifts off to sleep while Andy is left to muse over her good fortune._


	5. Chapter 5

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”   
― Mark Twain

 

23rd July, 2009

4.15 p.m.

New York Presbyterian Hospital

 

‘Ma’am, this might be yours, your umm...son was holding it when he was taken to the operation theatre.’ a nurse says as she extends a hand to give a brooding Andy a plastic pouch.

 

She takes the pouch absentmindedly while still cursing herself for being so stupid. She meant to thank Miranda for helping out with her son but she ended up irritating or angering or hurting Miranda, whichever.

 

She looks up to see the OT door open as they wheel out Christopher, who’s still unconscious.

 

‘We’re shifting him to Room C-157, you can come along with us.’ The same nurse says.

 

She strokes her hand over Chris’s cheek and kisses his forehead and then allows them to wheel him into the lift.

 

She looks unseeingly at the lift buttons and plays with the pouch in her hand. The gold trapped inside it catches the lift’s light and blinds her for a second.

 

She squints and looks down at it. A very familiar object is staring back at her. Her gold chain. Miranda’s gold chain. She cannot prevent the tears from pooling in her eyes.

 

She wonders for a second how Chris had come to acquire it and reasons out that he probably must have pulled at it while in Miranda’s arms.

 

She still wears it. Miranda still wears it. SHE STILL WEARS IT.

 

A feeling of fleeting victory and a strange happiness courses through her body. One of those long lost feelings stirs in Andy’s solar plexus. She smiles absentmindedly and takes it out of the pouch and strokes her fingers over the ‘A’. It still feels the same.

 

The elevator dings and they proceed towards the room, her eyes still fixed on the chain, evoking memories that were long lost.

 

 

23rd July 2009

9.07 p.m.

Miranda’s Bedroom

The Townhouse

 

Miranda closes her bedroom door and leans against it waiting for the avalanche of tears.

 

The twins and she came back to an empty house. The twins didn’t dare discuss Andy and Chris of course. Instead they ate dinner, did homework and went to bed, while Miranda went around acting as normal as was possible- doing things like working on the book, having dinner with the twins, helping them with homework and putting them to bed with a kiss on the forehead each.

 

She knew the twins would have questions to which she wouldn’t have answers so she preferred the awkward silence over whatever else she was expecting.

 

Now in the safety of her room she can let the tears come. She thought that she had spent her entire reservoir of tears last March, but there are always tears when one requires it. Like for instance, now.

 

She cries for last March, she cries for their dead child, she cries for having driven Andrea away, she cries for the twins who she’s never been able to give enough happiness, she cries for the personal failure that she is. But above all she cries for not being able to move on. For being stuck, stuck on 28th March, 2008. She’s not been able to move since then.

 

Today, the feeling of that little boy in her arms had seemed to have completed her somehow. She had felt at peace with herself, a feeling which had evaded her for too long now.

Somewhere, inspite of the unpleasantness of the situation, she had felt a pull, a maternal feeling towards that boy, a feeling which was already half dead if not for the twins.

 

Her heart had skipped a beat when she saw Christopher fall down and hit his head; she had run to him spontaneously and taken him in her arms. Like any child’s mother would do. But which any human being would also have done. However, what she had felt in that moment was different, auspicious, not worthy of being cheapened by Andrea to a dry-cleaning bill.

 

She was furious at Andrea for having said such a thing. How could she think she could pay her back with money? She had helped Christopher selflessly! Or had she?

 

Maybe her motive had been more selfish and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that it was indeed a selfish act. A chance to feel again. To feel what it would have been like if Christopher were alive. How he would have felt in her arms. His scent, his soft hair, his baby skin, the tears, the pain, everything, everything all mixed up. She had reached out to him, almost haplessly, desperate, to snatch and hang onto him for that thin sliver of sanity.

 

She hadn’t been able to control her tears in the car- everything, the whole situation had come tumbling down on her reminding her of things from their past, she had felt herself choking from the memories and the pain. She had not wanted to be weak in front of Andrea or the girls but she had been fighting for too long now-struggling to put all painful thoughts aside-to concentrate on Runway and the girls and suddenly all in a moment, Andrea and this little boy had been thrust into her life again and it was more than what she could take. So she broke down, like she breaks down now, again.

 

She leans against the expensive rosewood door-frame of her bedroom and sobs. Heart wrenching, body racking sobs, the kind of sobs Andrea kissed away oh so tenderly. She reaches out for Andrea’s locket for strength and hope and a semblance of sanity but can’t find it around her neck. She panics, a flash of terror courses through her entire body and suddenly she is shaking.

 

She can’t lose this, not this. The last link to everything sane, everything happy, everything sunny, everything Andrea. Something she wore without shame, a symbol of her fragility, an inability to survive without Andrea.

 

Suddenly she is up and about looking all over her bedroom. She can hardly see from all the tears which is falling freely now. When she’s done searching her room, it looks like a warsite- drawers open, things upturned, clothes strewn all over the place and still no sign of the golden chain.

 

She leaves her room to forage the rest of the townhouse, wherever she’s been today- the kitchen, the washrooms, the den, the living room, she even ventures ever so quietly into the twins room to look for it. But it’s nowhere.

 

All this while, the thought that it isn’t in the house is plaguing her mind, the fact that she has actually lost it is absolutely unacceptable. It could be anywhere, in the office, the car, the hospital, the deli! She simply cannot lose it! She will not allow that.

 

And then she remembers--Christopher in her arms, holding onto her, no---no, no—not her---her pendant, her chain.

 

Does he still have it? Did he drop it on the way or throw it somewhere? Is it somewhere in the hospital? Does, does Andrea have it?

 

She feels momentarily humiliated thinking what Andrea might feel about her still wearing it and she feels that rage again- the rage about still having to be so dependent on one person while the other person seems to have moved on. A little too much. Bulit a new life, a happy life.

 

 

23rd July, 2009

9.15 p.m.

New York Presbyterian Hospital

 

Andy has spent the last five hours sitting in a very uncomfortable chair next to Chris’ bed holding tightly onto a golden chain in one hand and Chris’ hand in the other while he sleeps peacefully.

 

Chris had regained consciousness sometime in the evening for a while but had been very disoriented and groggy. He had managed to sip on some juice and mumbled a string of jumbled words before drifting off to sleep again.

 

The doctor had informed Andy that she would be allowed to take him home once he was awake again and they had checked his vitals.

 

So here she was sitting beside the bed with four cups of coffee already in her system and fretting over the ridiculousness of the evening. She still couldn’t believe she had screwed everything up with her naivety and to top it all she has Miranda’s pendant.

 

She knows she needs to return it to her but she also doesn’t want to embarrass Miranda or make her feel self conscious about still wearing the necklace.  And most of all she wants Miranda to keep wearing it.

 

She revels in a masochistic way knowing that Miranda has not completely washed her out of her life. That Miranda needs her just like Andy does, all the time. She might have tried to move on but there isn’t a day that Andy Sachs doesn’t cry before going to bed. The pain is still as raw as it were, she mourns everything that she has lost and tries to make up for it through what she has. But it’s immensely difficult. She wonders if it’s ever going to get easier.

 

She remembers the car ride-Miranda crying for God knows how many things, Chris hurt, the twins sombre and clueless, her bewildered.

 

She has realized this much in their last two meetings: that Miranda has fared worse between the two of them. When she left her last March both of them had been wrecks-angry, frustrated, grieved, shocked and all those emotions accompanying events which break you down completely and wring everything out of you.

 

She had thought Miranda would bounce back soon, recover quickly and get back to Runway, forget all about Andy and March and all the memories they had made. And weirdly that is what had allowed Andy to move on, to become stronger, to make an effort to live again.

 

And here she was a year later, seeing Miranda, broken, more than ever. And that had been her undoing. So she sits and weeps once again and wonders how things will end after all, because for one thing, she knows: Miranda and she are not done, not even close.

 

She is pulled out of her whirlpool of thoughts when Chris stirs in the hospital bed. He blinks blearily trying to get rid of the sleep in his eyes and furrows his eyebrows, then he looks directly at his mother’s face.

 

‘Hey buddy!Howd’ya feel?’ Andy kisses his forehead and removes the hair that has fallen onto his forehead.

 

He smiles, ‘I’m fine mommy, only head hurts a little.’ Then he looks around and Andy knows what he might ask next.

 

‘Where is Snow Fairy?’ a certain wonder swims in his eyes. Andy’s feels almost crestfallen to see the expectant look in her son’s eyes and curses herself for having driven Miranda away, yet again.

 

‘She’s home sweetheart. It’s pretty late, but we have something of hers that we need to return.’ She takes the chain from within her palm and holds it out.

 

Chris looks at it momentarily and then asks ‘Well, let’s go then?’

 

Andy is taken aback to see the kind of enthusiasm and determination he says it with, Miranda clearly seems to have worked her magic on her son, who seems all too eager to meet her inspite of his injury.

 

‘Then I also need to say ‘thank you’, right mommy? Coz she helped us.’

 

Andy beams with pride.

 

‘Yes, that’s absolutely right sweetpea, you do need to thank her! But it’s too late tonight baby, we’re gonna have to go some other day. Tomorrow maybe.’

 

‘NO. We have to go now!’ he says in that typical irrational childish voice of a five year old.

 

Andy doesn’t know what it is about Miranda that attracts Chris but there definitely is something which is driving Chris to be so emphatic about meeting her.

 

It’s a game of fate. It is. Everything, all things in Andy’s life, centered in around Miranda and the girls and it’s come back to that again. The cycle of life. She needs to face Miranda again, for better or for worse.

 

So once the hospital gives them the green signal, Chris and Andy find themselves in front of the beautiful Elizabethan door of that all so familiar swanky townhouse which houses Chris’ ‘Snow Fairy’.


	6. Chapter 6

_“I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes. Greater than survival, greater than love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. For without pain, there can be no_ _pleasure_ _. Without_ _sadness_ _, there can be no_ _happiness_ _. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is_ _endless_ _, hopeless,_ _doomed_ _and damned.”_

-Harlan Ellison

 

_2 nd August 2007_

_6:30 a.m._

_Townhouse_

_Master Bedroom_

_Andy’s hand suffered a major blow when Miranda all but ripped it from across her abdomen and thrust it aside while she hauled herself up from bed and almost broke open their bathroom door before emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet._

_‘Oh gosh!’ Andy exclaimed as she dashed in after Miranda still half sleepy on her two wobbly feet, as she stared at her wife vomiting vigorously and waving her hands towards Andrea, gesturing her to go away._

_‘No! Umm, I’ll help, I can do this!’ she says and grabs a washcloth from the bathroom vanity, soaks and wrings it in water and puts in on Miranda’s neck._

_‘Umm-umm—this should help---the books say so—I’m—I’m also supposed to give you crackers and saltines, I have them sta---’_

_‘Stop.Talking.About.Food. We’re in the bathroom for godss---’ and another bout of vomiting._

_Oops. Andy still has a lot to learn. First hand._

_  
She grabs a box of tissues and gives them to Miranda who flushes the toilet and accepts it._

_‘Welcome to your new life—I promise you, all that you will be is disappointed—all those starry eyed speeches of how beautiful and perfect I am will be replaced by how disgusting and fat I am. I won’t blame you of course; I hope the books are telling you all this.’_

_Andy doesn’t say anything, instead she helps Miranda stand up and waits for her to rinse her face. Once she is done, she looks directly into Andy’s face who’s still just standing there with this unreadable look on her face. Miranda raises an eyebrow, demanding an explanation or some small talk apparently._

_Andy just grins and plants a chaste kiss on her nose leaving Miranda wide-eyed._

_‘Of course, they also talk about how expecting mothers start glowing and look like angels’ Andy puts a hand on Miranda’s abdomen which is still pretty much flat, except for the faintest of swell, ‘and with time as the little one grows inside them they even let you talk to them and feel their kicks; and then when they have their crazy midnight cravings, they’ll be so cute and whiny and grumpy you’ll want to kiss them senseless.’ Andy smirks._

_Miranda opens her mouth to say something but can’t seem to get her words out, instead she keeps staring at Andrea who grins like an idiot ‘Miranda-0; Andy-1? Oh, I can go on.’ And she kisses Miranda’s nose again easily, the benefits of being taller._

_Miranda stares red faced-either embarrassed or aroused or even a tad bit annoyed._

_Andy makes her way downstairs to prepare a tray of saltines and lemonade but smirks over her shoulder and says, ‘Don’t worry I’ll get you through this.’_

_Miranda just stands there marvelling at her good fortune._

_Andy’s new to all this, she’s never done the baby thing before, Miranda has, and of course she knows it isn’t easy but she can see Andy’s perseverance and support and her readiness to learn more . She’s naive, yes, but after everything Miranda thinks, her Andy is definitely capable of pulling her through this._

* * *

 

_It’s like the Gods really want to test how much Andy’s promise to her lover is sincere because getting through each day gets tougher and tougher._

_Everything around her is a maze as she walks through the days operating almost mechanically- seeing off the girls to school, going to office, being called at odd hours of the day as Miranda suffers fainting spells at the office, coming back home to a sick, exhausted and moody Miranda, getting the kids to bed and then the whole drill all over again._

_The kids who were thrilled to know that they would soon have a new baby brother or sister grew increasingly worried seeing their mother this ill every other day. Andy wasn’t helping much either with her harried disposition and confused self._

_Miranda on her part tries to hide everything as much as she can. She hates to be the one to keep Andrea awake with worry at night, she hates being treated like she’s made of glass by the kids and Andrea; but things have been crazy and it does feel like she’s made of glass. The morning sickness which has increasingly turned into something like a round the clock thing would leave her exhausted and with an empty stomach daily. The doctor had already complained about her not gaining enough weight but she had just convinced Andrea it had to do with her petite frame. It was a task to get herself out of bed and get to work while trying not to vomit or collapse every other second. It hadn’t been as bad during the twins, she recalled, it had been bad of course but it had subsided after the first trimester mostly._

_She was already into the fourth month and nothing as yet, the medicines had stopped working and she had been written off as a case of ‘hyperemesis gravidarum’ for which she’d probably have to be hospitalized if it got too serious._

_Miranda had tried very hard to make everyone (including the doctor) believe ‘too serious’ would only mean if she were on her death-bed, after all she had a fashion empire to manage!_

_She had already made two trips to the hospital for a half a day each when she had fainted at Runway in-between run-throughs and shoots. Miranda was truly trying her best to eat and keep it all down and not throw up or faint every other minute but it was getting increasingly difficult every passing day._

_This was the time when Miranda Priestly started praying again and hoping against hope that things would fall into place, that she’d be able to get through this unscathed, mentally atleast. The doctor had promised that things would improve once she hit the beginning of the third trimester, so she prayed, like never before to keep Andrea’s child, safe within her._

_4 th November 2007_

_Priestly Dining Room_

_Manhattan Townhouse_

_8.20 p.m._

_The sound of chinaware crashing put Andy out of her sleep-wake state in front of her computer screen (where the last sentence read ‘Challenging situation due to Sub five per cent growth and double digit inflationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.’). She jumped out of her chair in ‘her office’ and charged towards the kitchen knowing all too well it was probably the twins messing around._

_‘Caro, Cass, I told you I’d do the dish--’ she stops mid-sentence as she sees the girls hurry down the stairs._

_Andy looks at them. They look at Andy._

_‘Andy...we heard a crash!’ Cassidy says sceptically._

_‘While doing homework.’ Caroline adds and everybody is thinking the exact same thing._

_Miranda._

_For a second Andy finds herself rooted to the spot but then she sees the girls running towards the kitchen and a nerve snaps in her head. She dashes even faster._

_Miranda’s lying on the floor in her sea green nightgown, legs askew, the silver forelock falling over her face and her left hand fiercely protecting the now visible swell of her belly even while she’s lies unconscious._

_There are broken pieces of Chinaware in the dishwasher but it’s a miracle they haven’t scattered anywhere near where Miranda is lying._

_‘Mom!’ Cassidy exclaims and is at once kneeling down in front of the prone figure and tugging at her gown._

_Andrea has never seen Miranda like this, the only times she’s ever fainted is at office and she had generally met the usual ‘done with your shit’ Miranda at the hospital, tugging at the IV pipes ready to get back to work._

_The Miranda she knows is larger than life, not defeated by such fripperies, so seeing her looking so small and vulnerable makes her brain shut down completely and she wordlessly sits down and takes Miranda’s head on her lap, and stares._

_Caroline turns out to be the adult in the situation and calls the doctor and 911 while opening up the windows and filling a glass of water, her hand shaking all the while._

_Miranda’s eyes flutter about 10 seconds later and her brow scrunches up and she rolls her eyes in immediate disgust at being obsessed over._

_Two sets of identical crystal blue and one of chocolate brown stares back intently, unblinking._

_‘I’m fine.’ Miranda says patronizingly as she tries to haul herself up but slumps again with a whimper in her lovers’ arms._

_‘Yeah. We can see that.’ Cassidy spat._

_‘I called the hospital, they should be here. Mom, are you very ill?’_

_‘Nonsense bobbsey, I’m fine. I don’t need to go to the hospital. I was just a little dizzy because of the medicines sweetheart.’_

_Another attempt to move arrested by a firm hand on Miranda’s shoulder. She looks up to see Andy staring back with an unreadable expression on her face._

_Andy hasn’t felt so powerless in her entire life. She can’t see Miranda this vulnerable---it leads to some sort of a visceral feeling inside her and she feels unhinged—unable to comprehend or talk, so she just clutches onto her lover until the ambulance arrives and whisks her away._

* * *

 

_4 th November 2007_

_Room 402_

_NY-Presbyterian University Hospital_

_9.10 p.m._

_Miranda bit her tongue and looked around the room sheepishly, careful not to meet those 3 sets of scary eyes as the doctor examined her chart._

_‘Miranda, I cannot emphasize enough how much bed rest you need. Due to your condition you’re hardly getting enough nutrition and that’s the most imperative thing at the moment-you need enough nutrition for two-keeping off your feet will not get you this exhausted. The best I can do is IV nutrition supplements but they’ll only work if you listen to me—that is---I want you here, on bed rest, for a week.’ Dr.Abassac said._

_‘No. Simply no.’ Miranda spat as she smoothed the blanket over her belly and then made the mistake of looking towards Andrea whose eyes were ablaze with anger and something which said ‘this isn’t a joke, it’s an ultimatum.’_

_‘Uh, I can stay at home though and work from there and you can fit I don’t know how many of these godforsaken machines you want to.’ She added sounding so certain one would think she was saying it out of her own volition._

_Andrea’s eyes became softer._

_‘Fine, tonight I won’t let you off, but tomorrow morning I can allow the transfer.’ Miranda nodded and closed her eyes letting the fatigue win over._

_Dr. Abassac subtly motioned Andy to follow her outside._

_‘Hey kiddos, try and get some sleep here I’m gonna fetch myself a cup of coffee.’_

* * *

 

_‘Andy, I trust you to take care of her. I wasn’t very enthusiastic about this right from the beginning but we both know Miranda. I did an ultrasound today.’_

_‘And?’_

_‘And..she’s already four months along, the normal fetal crown to rump length is about 10 cm and weighing about 100 grams. She’s been depriving herself of proper nutrition so the baby is a little smaller than normal. I didn’t want to stress her out but she HAS to take better care—she’s underweight and I can understand it’s due to hypermesis gravidarum, so we need to keep her on IV until that goes away.’_

_‘But...Susan how can you say the child’s smaller, I mean she’s already started to show.’_

_‘Yes that’s because her uterus is anteverted and I’m not saying the size difference is glaring but we need to put it under control, effective immediately._

_‘Ohkay...I’ll make sure. Don’t worry.’_

_Dr. Susan Abassac stood and watched the young woman walk away towards the room again and marvelled at the fact that this woman had matured immensely over the past few months._

* * *

 

_By the time she returns the girls are fast asleep on the only couch in the room which leaves Andy with a stool to sit on._

_She smiles at the mass of gangly arms and legs all tangled together—they’re not used to seeing their mother like this as well—they deserve the rest. She plants a soft kiss on their foreheads and covers their little bodies with a blanket._

_Then Andy grabs the stool and places it beside Miranda’s bed and sits down with a soft plop._

_Andy scrutinizes Miranda’s face for a long while. Come to think of it, she—correction-they’ve been so busy they’ve hardly had nights when they just lie back silently and do nothing, they don’t even need to make love or make conversation-they just lie-one against the other and everything else just melts away._

_This hasn’t happened in a while-because mostly Miranda is out like a light as soon as she hits the bed and Andy is equally exhausted from all the extra work—so now is when she gets a good look at Miranda’s face—it’s still got a greenish tinge to it, but her cheekbones seem to have acquired a character of their own and she looks kind of wan and tired still except for a tinge of colour creeping up her neck._

_‘Oh, say something for God’s sake!’ Miranda says through closed eyes. ‘I can literally hear you breathe.’ She opens her eyes._

_Andy puts her hand behind Miranda’s head and pulls her face up and kisses her fiercely, almost bruising Miranda’s lips who is staring at her wide eyed with the most stunned expression on her face._

_‘Don’t scare me like this, EVER AGAIN. My rules. From today. That’s all’ Andy does the eyebrow thing, she has learnt well._

_And her rules it is. Miranda does not dare disobey Andy as she is put on bed-rest for the next month._

_Instead she takes out all the anger and frustration on Runway—being in bed and not being allowed to climb stairs or venture out does not stop her from verbally charring her employees on a daily basis about their usual incompetence and garish layouts and cluttered designs, Nigel was the only respite._

_By the end of December Andy is victorious. All the reports read like it should and Miranda looks better than ever._

_On Christmas Day Andy puts a hand on Miranda’s belly and murmurs ‘Our last Christmas as a family of four.’_

_And everything in the world felt right to them, again, in that moment._

_Who knew words could mean things we’d never want them to mean._


	7. Chapter 7

_“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure.”_

-Paulo Coelho, _The Zahir_

 

23rd July 2009

9: 45 p.m.

Outside the Townhouse

 

She hasn’t seen the face of this place since that fateful night, it’s been over a year and yet not much has changed. Except the dynamics of the Priestly-Sachs household.

 

‘Mommy, are you sure this is where she lives?’ Chris tugs at Andy’s hand and looks up at his mother’s face, his crystal blue eyes shining with excitement.

 

Boy, is she sure.

 

‘Umm, yeah I’m sure baby. Like I told you on the way, we were friends once but we lost touch, I’ve been here before! Come on.’

 

She’s determined about this, she will apologize and thank Miranda inspite of whatever Miranda might have to say about it. Man up Andy, it’s gonna be a long night.

 

She secures the pendant firmly in her left hand and rings the bell.

* * *

 

Miranda has long given up looking for the pendant and has instead taken to drowning her piteous self in a glass of whiskey. She is flabbergasted when she hears the door-bell ring and for her moment she thinks it’s the whiskey clouding her senses, but then she hears it again. The distinct ring.

 

She can’t deal with anyone now, not today, especially if it’s one of those scumbags from work who seem to think she’s interested in them.

 

She gets up and sways for a moment before steadying herself and walking towards the door. She won’t open the door if it’s an Eric or Adam or who so ever else.

 

But when she looks through the peephole she thinks it’s the whiskey again.

 

Andrea is standing on the other side. Andrea is standing on the other side. _Andrea is standing on the other side._

Not tonight. She turns back and presses herself against the door suppressing a soul shattering sob, the door-bell rings again, signalling her back to reality.

 

She draws in a deep breath and gets ready for a long night.

* * *

 

She is standing at the other side of the door staring blankly at them.

 

Barefoot, in that grey robe, with those red rimmed eyes. Paris all over again.

 

Andy’s resolution almost breaks and she wants to gather Miranda in her arms and whisper sweet nothings and caress her silky hair and run smooth circles on her soft ivory skin. Stop, stop, stop—she tells the voice inside her head!

 

It’s Chris who breaks the awkward silence ‘Hey! Can we come in? Mommy said it was too late but I wanted to come anyway! I knew you wouldn’t mind.’

 

Miranda tears her eyes away from Andy and looks down at the little boy, smiles and then nods as she gets out of the way to let them in.

 

Chris gets in first and looks around, Andy hesitates and then walks in and is instantly drawn towards the familiar scent of the house. It still smells the same- wisteria, hints of gardenia and lilies, cinnamon and something unique- fruity and earthy which Andy always pegged down to Miranda’s own scent.

 

Miranda silently tugs near Andy’s neck to take her coat-like in the past- her hands touch the nape of her neck and both women almost jump at the touch.

 

Andy quickly shrugs it off and moves away, and Miranda turns instantly to put it inside the hall closet.

 

The townhouse looks exactly as Andy remembers it, every detail. Untouched.

 

They walk towards the drawing room and Andy takes her favourite bay window seat. Chris runs and joins his mother and looks out of the window fascinated by the empty streets with its streetlights.

 

Miranda settles on the sofa opposite them.

 

Awkward silence again. Chris looks between both women and scrunches up his eyebrows and jumps up and down before Andy gives him the death glare, he settles.

 

‘Oh how awful of me---’

 

‘We came to say---’

 

A moment of silence.

 

‘Can I get you’ll something?’ Miranda says standing up.

 

‘Umm..just water.’ Andy croaks.

 

‘Ice-cream!’ Chris yells excitedly.

 

‘Chris! Behave! No ice cream, it’s too late for that!’

 

‘But Mommy you promised! Remember!’ Chris pleads.

 

‘Yes, I remember sweet-heart! I distinctly remember your mother promising you ice-cream on the way to the hospital.’ Miranda smirks glancing at Andy and then bends down in front of Chris to tuck a wispy strand of brown hair away from his face.

 

‘I’ll get you ice cream. It’s only fair. I hope you’re not going to school tomorrow, your wound needs to heal a bit more.’ She isn’t asking but stating to Andrea that her son won’t go to school tomorrow. Typical Miranda.

 

 ‘Choco-chip?’ she asks and rubs a thumb against his cheek. She can’t seem to stop herself with this boy, Miranda realizes, she wants to hug him, kiss him, spoil him, love him---be a mother to him.

 

‘Yaayyyy! That’s my favourite!’ Chris sings and all but hurls himself into Miranda and envelops her in a hug.

 

And then, then Miranda forgets everything. The feeling of this little boy in her arms is very different from when Caroline and Cassidy hug her-they smell of strawberry and mint and joy but this is different- he smells like baby powder and milk and Christopher- her-their Christopher and Miranda can’t breathe anymore. It’s too much. She wants to cling onto him forever but also thrust him away at the same time. Too many emotions, too much grief. She begins to shiver involuntarily and is afraid she might start crying again, so she violently detaches herself from him and almost runs towards the kitchen.

 

‘Woah Mom, did I do something wrong to Snow Fairy?’

 

‘No sweetheart, I think she was in a hurry to get you the ice-cream!’ Andy’s heart breaks for the umpteenth time seeing Miranda this way. She can’t see Miranda like this. Not this broken.

 

She might have moved on with her life but she still loves Miranda as much as she did a year back and she will continue to love her this way for her whole life. Their fight seems like a decade away and the memory of it is vague, she wants to hold on to the other innumerable happy memories. She wants to see Miranda happy again, and Andy realizes she is ready to do anything for that. Again. Even after last March.

* * *

 

Miranda Priestly likes to think she has enough self-control but tonight she seems to be failing on every account—she isn’t crying per se, except the tears don’t seem to stop as she prepares a bowl of ice-cream and a glass of Perrier on a tray.

 

She feels completely unhinged. She hasn’t let herself think about the events from the past year, she hasn’t analysed her feelings, she hasn’t made an attempt to make herself truly happy again, but this boy makes her do all those things and she wants to hate him, throw him away and yet finds herself smiling as she adds an extra choco-chip serving to his bowl.

 

She wipes her eyes and makes her way to the drawing room and serves a very silent Andy and Chris.

 

‘Did I make you cry Snow Fairy?’ Chris says through a mouth full of ice-cream and Andy almost chokes on her water. He looks truly unhappy.

 

Miranda smiles, ‘Silly boy! No, never! Now don’t talk with food in your mouth.’

 

Chris grins.

 

Miranda wonders why they’re here—perhaps Andrea wants to apologize for what she said. High time she did. And would she forgive her? She has already forgiven Andrea, after all she knows how astute her ‘Andy’ can be with words. She wants to ask about the locket too, but doesn’t find the courage.

 

‘Umm, we came to return something of yours!’ Andy says as if reading Miranda’s mind and walks over to where Miranda is sitting. Before she even knows what she is doing she unclasps the hook on the chain and puts it around Miranda’s neck, ‘I’m sorry for what I said earlier.’  she whispers. Miranda trembles and then looks up. Their eyes meet for a moment and the emotions swirling in them are enough to annihilate the world. They look away immediately.

 

Andy stumbles back and returns to her seat while Miranda looks as white as a sheet of paper. Her hand instinctively reaches for the locket and she caresses the pendant with her fingers absentmindedly and stares at Andrea.

 

Miranda manages a faint ‘Thanks!’

 

‘Does your name start with A?’ Chris asks curiously.

 

‘No dearest, my name is Miranda.’

 

‘Miranda?’ then a pause ‘can I call you Snow Fairy still?’ he looks pointedly at Miranda expecting a favourable answer.

 

‘I suppose. It’s your wish Christopher.’

 

Chris smiles, ‘Why do you wear an ‘A’ then?’

 

Andy chokes on the water again, kids and their questions, ‘Chris, you don’t ask so many questions.’

 

‘It’s okay. I wear it because this is very precious to someone I knew—know. It’s the most special gift I’ve ever got. Do you have one like that?’

 

‘Umm, it’s my crayon set at the moment. Do you know there are 25o of them in it! Mommy got it for me specially!’ and then he saunters around the room with the air of someone who owns the world’s greatest crayon set.

 

Miranda and Andy both laugh through unshed tears.

 

‘Hey, Snow Fairy, are those your daughters?’ he points to picture on the mantle of the fire-place. It’s a picture of Miranda and the twins on the beach outside their Hamptons house. Andy’s photography of course. Miranda had been 2 months pregnant by then and was already glowing. It had been a warm day with the sun gleaming off their faces, but their smiles had been more brilliant than the sun’s light. It was one of Andy’s favourite photographs, it had been her idea to put it in the living room because that’s where she ventured first when she came back home every evening, and the photo was what she liked to look at first.

 

She is amazed it’s still at its original place.

 

‘Yes, they are. Caroline and Cassidy, they’re fourteen. You did see them tonight?’

 

‘Yep! Wheree arrrrreee they?’

 

‘Asleep, unlike you Mister. Naughty boy.’ She dares to ruffle his hair, ‘And tell me, how old are you young man?’

 

He holds up five fingers and looks proud ‘Five, but my teachers say I’m more like seven, because I can recite the 9 times table and draw the water cycle and I know all about our 206 bones. I take drawing classes too; I will show you all my drawings when you come to our home!’

 

Miranda who till now was in awe of the boy’s smartness is now completely in shock as the little boy nonchalantly invites her to his home.

 

‘Mom, when can Snow Fairy come to our place?’ Chris says as he leaves his place next to Andy and goes to join Miranda on the sofa.

 

Both women look stumped.

 

‘Caroline and Cassidy can come too! I’ll show them the drawings too!’ he shirks and moves even closer to Miranda now.

 

‘’Uh, uh, yes Miranda. Chris and I wanted to thank you for today. We would like if you and the girls can come over for lunch this Sunday. Please?’ Andy’s tone is the sincerest of the sincere.

 

‘No.’ Miranda’s tone is equally sincere.

 

Andy’s heart drops to her feet and she can feel tears prick at her eyes; Chris looks up at Miranda through a hooded gaze, clearly dejected.

 

‘I can’t make it for lunch on Sunday, I have a prior engagement. However, Sunday evening we are free, if that’s okay with you’ll?’ Miranda looks from Chris to Andy, both of whom are already smiling with all of their 32 teeth.

 

‘Yeah! I mean yes, umm, Sunday evening is absolutely great!’ Andy beams.

 

Chris jumps up and hugs Miranda and then kisses her nose. Just like that. Like mother, like son.

 

Miranda beams too and for a moment everything in the world feels perfect again but the feeling is fleeting and she realizes she can’t get used to this happiness. It’s not for her, she isn’t worthy of it.

 

‘Umm, it’s pretty late, we should get going. I’m sorry for having arrived un-announced, but umm, we had to, I mean, umm, we should leave!’ she gets up and gestures at Chris to do the same.

 

They make their way quietly towards the door and Miranda again helps Andy with her coat. Sparks fly again. Both ignore it again, painfully.

 

‘I’m sorry I didn’t wake the girls, they have school tomorrow. They’ll be infuriated about missing this.’ Miranda smirks.

 

‘Well, we always have Sunday. I’m sure they can more than make up. Goodnight, Miranda.’

 

‘Goodnight Snow Fairy!’

 

‘How will you go? Let me drop you both home, it’s very late!’ Miranda states.

 

‘Oh no no, Miranda, we’ll take a cab. You’ve already had a long day and then I’m sure you have an early start tomorrow. Don’t worry, we’ll manage.’

 

‘If you’re sure. Text me when you reach home. Number’s still the same.’ Miranda assumes Andrea still has her number, which of course she does, it still reads ‘Cutiepie’—Miranda abhorred it publicly but adored it personally.

 

‘Yes, we will. I will.’

 

‘Goodnight Andrea. Goodnight Christopher.’

 

‘G’nite Snow Fairy.’ he says sleepily

 

Miranda watches them walk into the empty street and they hail a cab. The cool midnight air hits her face and she shivers momentarily-it evokes long forgotten feelings in her-hope, happiness and mirth. She smiles, then laughs and is truly surprised by the sound of it. No, she can’t get used to this.

 

* * *

 

‘Reached home. Chris is already asleep. Sorry and Thank you. Sincerely. Looking forward to Sunday. Sleep well.’ Andrea’s text reads.

 

‘Yes. See you soon. Keep him safe. Goodnight.’ Miranda replies.

 

Yes, Miranda is looking forward to Sunday too, she’ll get to see Andrea again and the boy who is quickly claiming a place in her apparently stone cold heart.

 

She knows this will hurt even more when they go away this time. Leave her again. But she’s already fallen into the trap and there is no way out, turns out she doesn’t want one either.

 

Hope, my God, she lives on hope.


	8. Chapter 8

_“You’re the closest I will ever come to magic.”_

- _The Zygote Chronicles_ , Suzanne Finnamore

_12 th February 2007_

_Dr. Susan Abassac’s Clinic_

_5.07 p.m._

_‘Ohkay, so let’s see what we’re seeing here!’ Dr. Abassac said as she looked pointedly at the sonogram screen and moved the doppler across Miranda’s stomach._

_Andy and Miranda concentrated on the screen a little too hard too. Andy tightened her grip over one of Miranda’s white knuckled fingers and held her extremely rigid and tense body with another as they awaited the doctor’s verdict._

_‘So, like you already know you’re approximately 32 weeks along, I’m not too concerned about the foetal growth although it’s bordering the lower limits, but after all the improvement you’ve shown over the months, a little more care for a few more weeks could give us the ideal picture. Everything seems to be in place and growing absolutely in line.’ Both women released audible sighs and Miranda visibly relaxed against Andy’s hand as a blush of colour flew into her cheeks. She can’t afford to screw this up after all, there is too much to worry about, too much pressure, but the doctor says things are fine and Miranda quells all her concerns about extreme back-pains and occasional abdominal cramps._

_Then Dr. Abassac adds a ‘But’ and Andy deflates, she can’t deal with more complications, she can’t see Miranda suffer even more, ‘as you can see here, the baby is in a breech position compared to the normal cephalic position.’ Miranda notices at once and emits a small ‘Oof’; Andy looks dazed, so Susan adds, ‘generally during birth the child comes out head first, in the breech position the rear end appears first, which might create complications.’ Susan can see panic flash through the young woman’s eyes._

_‘However, generally by the 36 th or 37th week the baby changes positions to come to the cephalic one to accommodate itself in the mother’s belly; but we need to be careful and keep close track of its movements. If by chance the ultrasound shows a breech position even at the 37th week we can artificially change the position by various techniques like ECV, stimuli towards light etc which we can talk about as an when required. If nothing works, we’ll have to drop the idea of a vaginal birth and go in for a Caesarean.’_

_Miranda looks indifferent, like she’s accepted her fate of having to face every obstacle with this pregnancy but Andy looks terrified. Dr. Abassac’s heart goes out to the bright young woman to whom this is still all very new, she looks softly at Andy and is forced to add, ‘Don’t worry Andy. I will take care of it, it’s not a big deal, and we’ll work it out.’ It is then that the girl looks only a wee bit appeased._

_*******_

_Over the course of the next two weeks Miranda tries every weird thing to change the baby’s position-holding up her ‘derriere’ in the air which Andrea loves looking at, hips elevated onto a pillow, weird acupuncture tricks with 80% success rates, playing Mozart from different angles, but the baby’s just like Andy-‘stubborn’ Miranda says, it refuses to budge._

_Miranda gets frustrated, Andy gets terrified and Susan calms them down-there are enough options open, it’ll all be fine._

_Dr. Abassac asks them to start considering different birthing techniques in the subsequent appointment._

_Miranda declares she’s done it all and Andy enrols herself for Lamaze classes and devours every material on water births, hypno births and a million new techniques; she fills Miranda in every night who looks more and more uncomfortable and distracted with every passing day._

_Miranda listens to Andrea only half heartedly as she tries to keep up with the world and completely shut herself from the feeling of pain and discomfort -the constant back-ache, the swollen ankles, the heaviness and indigestion-Andy helps in every way possible-gives her massages, oil baths, makes her jasmine tea, rubs almond oil all over her oversized belly to prevent her skin from stretching, lulls her to sleep and treats her like a queen. Yet, yet with every passing day Miranda feels more tired and exhausted than ever._

_Andy and the twins stare wide-eyed when Miranda announces one chilly February night that she’s gonna work from home. Andy becomes a walking zombie again-her parents tell her it’s good preparation for the days to come and she tries even harder-builds up her stamina-becomes Miranda’s personal assistant once again-she’s beside Miranda at the drop of a hat and stays there until she is satisfied that Miranda is asleep, safe and not in pain._

_Andy has never worked this hard for anything in her life. With every passing day she realizes how crazily she wants this-she doesn’t dread it-not at all-she just can’t see Miranda in pain and wants it to be all over, so that she can become a parent, become a sleep deprived happy walking zombie because no matter how hard this is-it’s worth it. Miranda, the twins and this boy, this little boy growing inside her wife is worth every hour of sleep she loses._

_She still remembers the doctor’s appointment on the cold yet sunny December day which informed them about the sex of the baby. Miranda had been far removed when it had come to selecting the donor or other trivial little details concerning the pregnancy but she had been very specific about wanting a son. She had very non-chalantly added that she wasn’t ready to have a hooligan for a daughter who’d take after her biological mother at which she had been attacked by a series of tickles which had left her red-faced and horrified after which she had even more firmly pronounced her need for a son to protect her against his wild mother. She’d also very confidently assumed Andy was qualified enough to teach him golf, polo, cricket, charm and chivalry and Andy would have to take classes if she didn’t._

_Andy on the other hand would have been equally happy with a son or a daughter, except she’d always dream of sparkling blue eyes and wispy brown ringlets of hair. Andy, in short, was too overwhelmed all the while to want anything. She’d been gifted with too many beautiful things all at once and she figured it only made sense to not want anything more. She’d be happy with whatever she got as long as Miranda was happy and safe._

_At the clinic God had listened to Miranda of course, Dr. Abassac had told them it was a boy- a boy, a son for them. Their son._

_She still remembers the look on Miranda’s face-glowing with uncontainable happiness, that little smile she smiled whenever she was self satisfied and the gleam in her eyes. She remembers dancing at the townhouse with the twins, like a kid as her lover looked on, she remembers binging on Pizza and laughing till her jaws hurt. Miranda’s expressions from that day are etched in her mind and she pulls it up at will every night before going to sleep and everything just melts away and life is perfect again._

_A boy._

_Her son whom she can’t wait to hold, to play with, to stay awake and stare into his eyes, to make him laugh, to kiss, to hug, to love and spoil him rotten._

* * *

 

_2 nd March 2007 _

_12:04 a.m._

_Foyer_

_Manhattan Townhouse_

_Andy tiptoes into the townhouse to keep its inhabitants from being woken up from sleep, God knows one woman in particular reall, really needs it._

_She tries to put back her coat into the closet soundlessly but of course she trips because of her stupid party heels and drops one of the vases onto the floor-thank God for the carpeted flooring!_

_She takes off those Godforsaken heels and mutters under her breath about how her eight month pregnant wife can bear to wear them day in and day out, good thing she’s off her feet these days! She manages to retrieve the fallen vase and puts it back on the table without much further ado and makes her way upstairs towards the bedroom._

_The floorboard squeaks under her two feet and she curses herself for having stayed out late but she couldn’t have helped it- the office had thrown a party for having surpassed their primary rival in readership statistics for the first time in 10 years- apparently a lot of it had to do with Andy and her optimistic disposition-she’d been offered a promotion without much change in the salary, of course. She’d been happy and she couldn’t have dodged a party which was partially being celebrated for her success. She had of course called up Miranda and given her the good news who had sounded more than enthusiastic and supportive about the promotion but deflated instantly when she heard the money part, nevertheless she had asked her to have a good time because she ‘deserved’ it._

_Andy had decided to get back home just in time to put the girls to bed but the tension from all the previous months and weeks, the momentary joy of the promotion and the impending familial happiness had made her forget all about the time and she had indulged in one too many drinks and danced like a teenager after a million years. She had done exactly what Miranda had asked her to do, that is, have a good time._

_Except now, at midnight she felt guilty for not having been able to speak to the girls and taking care of her very pregnant wife. She hated leaving Miranda alone at home in the mornings and worried all day about her calling up about a million times to check in on an irritated but nevertheless satisfied Miranda. She hadn’t been able to do that today._

_She huffs and tiptoes up the steps and decides to settle down for the night in the guest bedroom-no need to wake Miranda up now with squeaky door hinges-God knows their son is a ball of energy keeping Miranda awake at the most odd hours of the day._

_She reaches the second floor landing and almost takes a right for the guest bedroom, when her eyes fall on the thin beam of light seeping from under the door of the master-bedroom._

_Miranda’s awake, Andy’s intoxicated, not drunk though but so not ready to face Miranda or any of her mood swings. What did you think Andy, you’d just slip into bed and cuddle with a sleepy Miranda?_

_12: 10 a.m._

_Master-Bedroom_

_Miranda looks with hawk like eyes from over her glasses as Andy slightly stumbles in. She pretends to be too absorbed in The Book and make a huge red cross across the page before looking up and scrutinizing Andy._

_‘You’re still awake!’ Andy says in mock surprise and walks up to kiss Miranda’s cheek and caresses her hand over the distended abdomen, then bends down to kiss it. Miranda shows no sign of acknowledgement._

_Woops. Instead she hisses ‘ No, I’m sleep-sitting.’ She closes The Book with a smack and puts it on the bedside table then flings the pen, the poor thing falls outside the bathroom door, her Versace glasses experience a better fate as she takes them off and places them atop the book._

_Andy sighs. She isn’t ready for another of Miranda’s mood swings.  She walks towards her closet and rummages for sleepwear before hurrying into the bathroom (she also decides to pick up the pen and place it on the book)._

_She tries to take as much time as possible hoping against hope the Miranda dozes off-she changes, removes her make-up, braids her hair and all the while her head pounds enough for her to want to behead herself._

_Then she remembers that Miranda will probably behead her if she doesn’t vacate the bathroom soon because Miranda might need to relieve the pressure on her bladder which seems to be increasing by the hour these days._

_She exits the washroom and almost trips on the red pen which is lying in front of the bathroom door, again._

_She picks it up again and puts it on top of the book. Miranda by now has settled under the covers but isn’t lying down as yet. She has her lips pursed and a poker face, but Andy knows she’s pissy and it’s late so she hurries under the covers to prevent Miranda from staying awake any longer. She switches off her side of the bedside lamp and she just about to utter a goodnight when Miranda’s voice rings clear into the night’s silence_

_‘Is this going to become a regular occurrence?’ the tone of accusation spits venom from every angle._

_‘What is?’ Andy asks innocently knowing all too well what Miranda means. Even in the darkness Andy can see the anger and impatience in Miranda’s eyes as she glares at Andy._

_It was going to be a long night._

_Andy sighs, ‘Miranda, I told you, I got a promotion and they threw this party---and I had to be there, I would have--’_

_‘Being a parent is a responsible job. I don’t expect you to be one to the girls but if you don’t remember and if my huge presence doesn’t remind you, you do have a child coming!’_

_Now Andy was seeing red,her--- not a parent to the girls, what bullshit!_

_‘What did you say? You don’t expect—let me remind you I am the one who drops them and picks them up from school, I play video games with them and make popcorn and cupcakes and I help them with their homework, I DO IT not because it’s my duty because I love doing it, just like a parent  would. Don’t you dare imply anything else. And yes, I remember perfectly about my son, our son. One day—one fucking day--’_

_‘Mind your language’ Miranda rolls her eyes._

_‘Oh fuck the language, how dare you bring up the girls? How dare you say they’re not mine?’ her head pounds in her skull and she can feel the tears pricking at her eyes. Miranda Priestly can be the cruellest human being on the face of the earth if she wants to._

_‘Well, now with the way you put it, I highly doubt if the girls are mine since I seem to do nothing for them. It’s all you, isn’t it? What happened tonight then? Were you hiding in their room to kiss them goodnight, because I didn’t see you there!’ Miranda seethes._

_‘One night, one bloody night I decide to take a break and you’re having some weird hormone induced anxiety attack. This, whatever you think will not be a regular occurrence, understood?’ Andy shivers with anger and frustration. ‘It’s been a tough past few months and I think I deserved tonight, whatever you might think,  every parent does, so do you. Even after he is born WE WILL HAVE A NIGHT OFF, once in a while, understood?’_

_Miranda smiles ruefully ‘Parents don’t get a break, understood?’ she mimicks Andrea ‘You think it’s been easy for me, talk about difficult, it’s been a cakewalk for me hasn’t it? Being a parent means having to forget about your own whims and fancies, do I get a day off from swollen feet and nausea and the million other humiliating things I have to face every day?’_

_‘Ugh, Miranda, this isn’t going anywhere, I won’t apologize for going for a drink with my colleagues, I’m happy about our newspaper’s performance and my promotion but of course it was too much for you to pretend to be happy for a day, atleast for me! I know what you go through every day and you know what I feel about this whole thing, I can’t believe--’ and with that the first fat drop of tear fell down Andy’s blazed cheeks._

_‘Oh—oh please! I’m--stop this now, I’m just saying do not make this a habit. I told you, you were too young for this.’ She waves her hands wildly around the room and decides to get out of bed. Andy does too. ‘Once he’s here you’ll need to realize being a parent is not about staying out till midnight but staying up to let him sleep.’_

_‘Okay, okay, that’s it!’ Andy wipes at her eyes furiously ‘You know what? I feel like you don’t want this, is that it? Telling me I’m too young, indirectly alluding to the fact I am not right for you—not, not rich enough, not man enough, not responsible enough, what Miranda what?’ Andy wishes their closed door and a flight of stairs was enough to keep the twins asleep._

_‘STOP SHOUTING!’ Miranda screeches as a pained expression mottles her features while she presses a hand to her abdomen and releases a strained breath. Andy stands paralysed with fear, staring, wide-eyed—what was happening? Was she responsible for whatever was happening to Miranda right now? Oh God, what was she going to do---_

_‘Braxton Hicks I’ve been having them for a while now, I’m sorry you haven’t noticed.’ Miranda says calmly as the contraction subsides. Her face which had gone beet red a while back seems to quickly regain its pale luminescent hue, she looks radiant and Andy in that moment wants to make Miranda believe that she’d do anything Miranda expected her to do, that she was sorry, that she was not ready to lose Miranda, this life, their life with the twins and their son, that she’d die without Miranda and no she wasn’t exaggerating it a bit, that without knowing she had reached this point in her life where she merely drew breath for Miranda and for her alone._

_So she tries to do just that. She walks up to where Miranda is standing at the other side of the bed but didn’t dare touch her ‘Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry for shouting and getting back so late. Look, all I’m saying is that we all need a break once in a while, I don’t regret going out today but I should have come back earlier. Miranda,’ Andy pleads and tries to look her lover in the eyes but in vain ‘Look, I know my responsibilities and I love being with you. I know you know that but---oh, just please believe me okay, I’m gonna be here forever’ as if Miranda was worried about Andy leaving her more than Andy being worried about Miranda throwing her out._

_‘Don’t say things you don’t mean’ Miranda spat._

_Brilliant! When was this stubborn woman going to understand, Andy would never lie to Miranda._

_‘I mean every word Miranda, I’m here for the whole thing even if you don’t believe me now, even if you think I’m too naive and simple headed. All I’m saying is I’m capable, I can do this.’ She pleads and then appends an extra ‘Please.’_

_Miranda always starts these stupid fights and then Andy ends up crying and apologizing even if Miranda’s in the wrong but Andy doesn’t care because if that’s all that it takes to transform Miranda from the ruthless editor to the woman she loves she’s ready to do it a thousand times over and she is willing to bet all this is going to abate once the hormones stop wreaking havoc on Miranda’s nerve receptors._

_Miranda keeps staring at Andy with this unreadable look on her face probably gauging the sincerity of this young woman’s words or thinking of a scathing retort or even thinking about dismissing Andy with the wave of her hand. Instead—_

_‘What makes you so sure I want you here ‘forever’?’ Miranda quirks an eyebrow and smirks._

_It’s over. The ebb tide has receded and left all the starfish intact on the shore, no destruction, no malice, no apprehension left. Everything is alright again, hormones decide to cooperate again, and Andy smiles._

_In that moment she knows that Miranda believes her-believes the Andy loves her and is capable, worthy and meant solely for her. She believes that Andy was and always will be the missing piece to her life’s puzzle._

_The bedroom lights go out and they go to bed happy. Andy even dares to cuddle Miranda who willingly allows it._

_3:15 a.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_Whoever’s trying to pry away the fluffy pillow she’s cuddling into is gonna have a bloody end if they don’t stop soon. She tugs at the pillow again and draws it in further, the pillow resists. The pillow resists? Andy is ready to put a stop to this dumb assery because she has a pounding headache and she needs her sleep. She needs to buy mittens for the baby in the morning—flying bibs and liquid watery balloons---and then she suffers a major blow to her stomach._

_‘Stop crushing me, wake up! WAKE.UP.THIS.MOMENT!’  Andy open’s her eyes to dizzyingly bright sunlight—? She can’t seem to open her eyes because someone is hammering her head._

_‘Andrea, Andre---aaah’ a grave groan ‘Those.weren’t.Braxton.Hicks.’ Miranda says through clenched teeth._

_Andy has some weird recollection about Hicks—some economist, eyes still closed. She wonders why Miranda is talking economists in bed._

_‘Andrea, I’m going to the hospital, my water just broke. I think I’m having the baby.’ Her voice almost choking over the last word._

_And then and then Andy wakes up with the speed of light, thoroughly and completely and throws the covers away only having partially registered the situation_

_The only thing that her mind kept repeating the moment she registered what was happening was: It’s too early. Keep them safe. It’s too early. Keep them safe. It’s too early..._


	9. Chapter 9

_“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”_    
― Khalil Gibran

 

26th July 2009

Andy’s Lower Manhattan Apartment

6:00 p.m.

 

‘Okay, okay kiddo, enough with your video game, they’re gonna be here soon, please go freshen up! Go, go, go!’ a frazzled Andy tells her son.

 

‘- and Jessie, Jess no, stop, don’t ruin the carpet, no--’

 

‘Mommy,’

 

‘Jessie! NO!’ Andy scolds her pet and shoves her away from the carpet delicately ‘you moron, you’re gonna ruin it. We have to look presentable’

 

‘Mommy, I already had a bath.’ Chris says, confused at his mother’s apparent nervousness.

 

‘Mommy, it’s only Snow Fairy, she’s gonna get angry because our house isn’t as pretty as hers,’ Chris says doubtfully, then adds, ‘will she?’

 

‘No, no no sweetheart, not at all; but we must look proper, you know, because they’ll be our guests. Besides we have to thank her for helping us, so we need to take good care of her—uh-uh-I mean them!’

 

‘Yup, you’re right, I guess! Do I look handsome?’ Chris asks, out of the blue startling Andy. He had changed into a red t-shirt with a cartoon of Tintin and Snowy on it and he wore a pair of olive green trousers all done up with a belt.

 

‘Yes handsome, you look utterly charming’ Andy says ruffling her son’s hair and pecking him on cheek, ‘So, who’s the lucky girl or is all this show off business for your ‘Snow Fairy’?’

 

Chris blushes, then flashes a toothy smile ‘Yah dumb dumb!’

 

‘And will Chris tell Mommy how she looks?’ Andy blushes till the roots of her hair. She had changed clothes some 729 times before settling on a pair of blue skin-fitted jeans and a beige self patterned top-chic and classy yet casual-just about perfect for an evening at home. She’d left her hair loose with the edgy bangs falling on her face and after much deliberation had decided to be make-up free.

 

‘You look real nice, but not better than meeeeeee though’ Chris tugs at one of her mother’s bangs mischievously and starts running ‘catch me if you can!’

 

‘Oh—you—Christopher Sachs, I’m coming to get you. Wo-kayyyyy’ and with that mother and son launch into a round of hysterical laughs and playing, with Jessie close at heel.

 

And then all of a sudden a buzzer from the intercom bring them back to the reality.

 

‘Hello, yeah good evening Dmitri! Yeah, oh, ohk. Yeah, yeah sure, please send them upstairs.’ Andy speaks nervously into the telephone.

 

‘Woops, quick Chris, is everything in place? They’re here!’

* * *

 

Andy couldn’t have prepared herself for the Miranda standing outside her door and for a moment she thinks it was still all the same-Miranda and the twins coming over for ‘pizza dinners’ before she had moved into the townhouse where the tradition of pizza dinners continued. Those evenings were boxed in that compartment of Andy’s memory  which read ‘most precious’- the twins and Miranda would make their way to Andy’s house every Friday evening and rewind and relax with Disney movies and tacos, pizzas, sodas and Miranda’s favourite-gummy bears. Miranda would of course act extremely haughty and try to restrict herself to a bottle of exquisite wine she insisted on bringing but by the end of they’d manage to degrade her to Domino’s pizza and cola drinks.

 

Here she was again-in her regular wear for those Friday evenings- a pair of some godforsaken super-expensive jeans, a filmy equally expensive shirt(today it’s maroon) sometimes(like today) accessorized with a necklace of beads and her signature hoops.  Agreed she’s thinner than ever before and a wee bit older but there is something in her face today which Andy can’t quite place-it makes Miranda shine from within, like she’s consumed a light bulb and for a second a similar July night plays in her mind-the night they had found out about the pregnancy. She looks radiant today, just like she had more than a year back.

 

‘Andy, if you’d budge, we’d like to go in! You can continue gaping at Ma afterwards.’ Caroline pipes in. Andy blushes a deep shade of red, so does Miranda.

 

‘*Caroline, manners!*’ Cassidy says seriously copying her mother, and then smirks.

 

Andy budges of course and breaks out in a sweat ‘Uh-uh-umm, yeah, c-c-come in!’

 

All three Priestly women smirk through closed mouths. Damn them.

 

Chris runs into the room pretending to be a sports bike racer with Jessie following close suit; he bumps into Cassidy--

-‘Beep, beep’

-‘Oops, sorry Kentucky Kid.’ Cassidy gives way and he bikes forward and collides straight into Miranda and hugs her around her legs.

 

‘Oh my, let me look at you Mister!’ Miranda smiles a real smile and laughs softly, the twins notice, Andy melts. She takes him up in her arms, ‘Someone looks very handsome this evening.’ Chris grins. ‘Gee thanks Snow Fairy.’ Miranda laughs.

 

‘Andy, you’ve taught him how to say ‘gee’ like you do, you’re a bit too much!’ Cassidy says and goes in to hug Andy who just shrugs her shoulders, then hugs back.

 

‘Look what we got you, Chris!’ Caroline chimes and holds up a huge box of crayons and a sketch pad.

 

Chris wriggles from Miranda’s arms and rushes towards Caroline and tries to jump up to the height where Caroline is holding the box above her head.

 

‘Nope, first tell me you know who I am?’ Chris glances between the two sisters and pronounces ‘Caroline!’ and Caroline who is completely stunned lowers the box; Chris jumps and grabs it.

 

‘Careful Christopher, we don’t need matching shiners!’ Miranda warns.

 

‘Chris what are you supposed to say?’ Andy orders.

 

Christopher who gets completely lost in his set of crayons looks up with shining eyes ‘No way! WOW!’

 

Andy raises an eyebrow.

 

‘I mean thanks!!’

 

Andy looks at the humungous box of crayon containing every shade of every colour. Typical Miranda, some things never change.

 

‘You like it? Now Christopher, you’ll have to draw me something, won’t you. I came all the way for this, remember?’ Miranda states and stares directly at Andy as if trying to justify her buying Chris a box of crayons. As if.

 

Andy shakes her head ‘What are we doing here? Let’s get settled in the drawing room, I have dinner ready, just tell me when you guys are hungry!’

 

The party make their way towards the drawing room( Miranda waits for them to leave and then bends down to ruffle Jessie’s fur and kiss her who is content with the attention and has settled on a rug near the door.)

* * *

‘Andy, this place is WONDERFUL! I really like it, it’s about a 10 times better than you--’ Caroline cuts herself off before mentioning that ratty old apartment from the past. Thank God their mother isn’t around.

 

‘Andy, tell me you have Pizza for dinner!’ Cassidy asks excitedly trying to change the topic completely.

 

‘Umm, no for a change I decided to become a sophisticated snob for--’  Andy cuts herself as Miranda glares at her, ‘I mean—I—have good food!’

 

‘Yes, what a pity!’ Miranda fake sighs, ‘girls you’ll simply have to wait till next time for pizza.’ Miranda says and settles on the barcalounger.

 

_Next time. There will be a next time._ Andy smiles from ear to ear.

 

‘So, tell me about everything girls!’ Andy gushes excitedly as the twins and she occupy the sofa completely; and from then there is a flow of incessant chatter spattered with doses of raucous laughter.

 

They talk about everything-from Dalton, to crushes, to frenemies to American idol and all those things that Miranda can’t seem to keep up with. Ever. Things that Andy kept up with, an era back.

 

Miranda on the other hand is content with just sitting and observing everything, trying to add some valuable information but being ignored everytime-just like old times.

 

So, instead Miranda thinks of a million different happy thoughts and focuses on Chris- the boy who suddenly came out of nowhere and captured her heart.

 

He’s settled himself on the ground near Miranda’s feet and is busy drawing in his newly acquired sketchpad. He looks content and so do Andrea and her daughters. Miranda’s heart is ready to leap out of her chest from this apparent picture of domestic bliss.

 

From the outside it looks like a perfect family spending an evening together; it’s believable and it could have been true, all of it, everything. But it isn’t, it’s all a façade, so Miranda shivers as the reality of the situation hits her-it’s never gonna be the same again.

 

_They were not hers._

 

‘Helllooooo, tell me if you like it?’ Something tugging at her jeans brings Miranda back to the four walls of the apartment. She focuses her attention back to the people in the room and finds four sets of eyes staring back.

 

‘Uh-uh’ Miranda Priestly never stutters. Finally she registers what she’s being asked and her eyes fall on the drawing Chris has been working on.

 

It reads ‘MY PEOPLE’.It’s a typical five year olds drawing-stick figures and mountains, the sun and the waterfall. Then there is a house in front, a little disproportionate and in front of it are standing five people and a dog. Each person has a tag near the feet. Caroline, Mommy, Chris, Snow Fairy, Cassidy, and in front of Chris is Jessie.

 

‘Oh, oh it’s beautiful Christopher. Look at all of us!’ Miranda glances in Andy’s direction who looks away from Miranda’s face and stares at the drawing instead.

 

‘Isn’t it, I knew you’d like it! It’s our house, all of us will fit in it! We can all stay together; will that make you happy Snow Fairy?’ Chris asks expectantly. Being the sensitive soul that he was he had realized something had been disturbing his Snow Fairy right since the beginning and he wanted to make it okay, he wanted to make Snow Fairy smile all the time the way she had smiled when she commented on his clothes.

 

‘Happy?’ Miranda asks quizzically, completely lost.

 

‘Oh Chris, this is wonderful darling! I’m gonna put it up on the fridge’ Andy takes the drawing from his hands and kisses his forehead, ‘but I think everybody is very happy—I mean hungry now! We should go eat all the lovely food, don’t you think?’

 

Chris forgets all about his question like all little boys do and jumps up to rev up his motorbike as he makes his way towards the dining room.

 

The twins laugh at his antics and follow him.

 

Miranda sits, rooted in place, staring at a black spot on the floor, she seems ashamed for some reason.

 

‘Miranda? Dinner?’ Andy enquires.

 

‘Yes, yes, dinner.’

* * *

 

‘Oh my God Andieeee! When did you learn how to cook this well? You’re gonna give mom competition!’ Cassidy exclaims.

 

Miranda who had regained her bearings and was in better spirits said, ‘Oh Cassidy, we can’t have a competition here, we all know who’s gonna win, on the other hand, I do have to agree, this is wonderful.’

 

Snooty Miranda is snooty.

 

‘No really Andy, do you cook like all the time?’ Caroline enquires.

 

‘Yeah I do, I mean we don’t have a cook and Mr.Chris here is quite the fussy eater, so I had to learn! It’s a lot of fun, besides my job hours are really flexible, so I always have the time to come home,cook and stuf---’ oops. ‘Actually you should come by my office sometime, my work is lots of fun’ ‘more than your mother’s’ Andy mouths looking completely serious.

 

The twins laugh again and Miranda glares. Chris is content chewing on his piece of lemon chicken.

 

‘YEAH! We will! And we’re totally betting on you Andy-you have to come with us and watch Mamma Mia!’  Cassidy exclaims.

 

‘That’s enough Cassidy, please don’t impose on Andrea, she has enough to do!’ the acidic tang of Miranda’s voice makes Andy twinge.

 

She ignores Miranda’s comment and smiles ‘Yeah, count me in for that! I’m gonna get us tickets for that tomorrow. Do you wanna join us, Miranda?’ she asks matter-of-factly.

 

‘Chris, what about him?’ Miranda asks concerned. Chris perks up at the mention of his name.

 

‘I’ll leave him with Avis, she’s my colleague, she has a son too; he’s gonna have fun, won’t you Chris?’

 

‘Nope! If  Caro and Cass get to go with you, I get to go with,’ he fills his mouth with a spoonful of vegetables and points towards Miranda.

 

‘Yes Christopher, it’s only fair, don’t you think Andrea?’ Miranda asks, characteristically tilting her head.

 

‘Yes only if you’re free, I mean.’

 

‘So I will be. Now Christopher, where do you want to go? We could go to the museum or the zoo or the water-park.’

 

‘BORINNNNNG. Aunt Avis always knows where to take us coz Aaron tells her what we like. I hope you had a son Snow Fairy, why don’t you have a son?’ Chris asks innocently.

 

‘CHRISTOPHER! Haven’t I taught you how to talk? That’s enough, can’t you keep your big mouth sh-’

 

‘That will be all, Andrea’ Miranda cuts her off harshly; both of their faces betraying raw painful emotions.

 

Andrea’s face is red with anger and she continues glaring at Chris who has big droplets of water falling from his eyes. The twins sit shell-shocked.

 

‘I don’t understand the need for such hysterics.’ Miranda reduces Andy to ashes with her death glare.

 

She rises from her seat and walks towards Chris’s seat and wipes at his eyes, ‘Come now, Christopher, we can’t cry while eating, can we now?’ She lifts Chris up sits on the chair and seats him on her lap ‘Andrea, Christopher is right. I don’t have a son but,’ a staccato pause, ‘if Christopher-Chris so wants he can be my son, can’t you?’ She cups his cheek and plants a soft kiss on it.

 

‘Yes Snow Fairy, I’m so sorry. I can be your son. I WILL BE YOUR SON!’ He buries his head in her bosom and mumbles another sorry and continues sobbing.

 

Miranda feels almost whole again.

She ruffles his hair and kisses him everywhere she can and soothes him with baby talk.

 

Andy and the girls explode with happiness. They try to contain those tears of joy, but in vain.

 

‘There, there, son, no more crying. You have a lot to teach this new mother of yours, don’t you? Tell me where does my Christopher want to go?’ Miranda soothes.

 

‘Anywhere Mamma’s gonna take me.’ And just  like that the word ‘mamma’ slips from his lips as he kisses Miranda on the nose again.

 

_Mamma_

 

_He’s gonna call you Mamma and me Mom._

Who cares if it’s the other way round now, you can’t always get what you want. Nothing matters because Chris calls her Mamma, considers her as a mother and that’s a lot more than enough.

 

‘Yes, Mamma will take you everywhere she can. She has a lot to catch up with. Now, somebody owes someone an apology, yes Chris?’ Miranda and Chris both look at an unsuspecting Andy with raised eyebrows.

 

‘Hey, I’m sorry bud, I shouldn’t have shouted! You’ll forgive me?’ Andy holds her ears with her hands.

 

Chris grins ‘Yeah Mommy, I do! It’s okay, I have a new favourite now, anyway!’ he looks towards Miranda who suppresses a sly smile.

 

‘Really, really bud? After everything? I’m coming to get you Mister.’ And with that Andy launches into a tickle attack on Chris as he wriggles out of Miranda’s grasp and runs around the house with a suddenly awake Jessie following them, barking with glee.

 

The twins break into fits and help Andy get back at Chris who squeals in delight at being fake attacked. Jessie is content with licking all of them to glory. The room reverberates with laughter.

 

Amongst all this Miranda hears her own laughter and today it doesn’t surprise her as much, she doesn’t feel scared as much. She feels different-born again.

 

_A mother to a son._

She hasn’t known this much happiness in a long time but tonight she isn’t scared of laughing, of happiness. Hope shines on the horizon and Miranda feels stronger.

 

That night she sleeps with a smile on her face and she has hope that the smile might remain; not because it’s happy to be there but because this time around Miranda Priestly has decided to seize it and keep it.

 

Miranda Priestly has decided to move on, to live life again, and to give happiness a second chance after all.


	10. Chapter 10

 

_“The plants and flowers_ __  
I raised about my hut  
I now surrender  
To the will  
Of the wind” 

_-_ Ryokan

_2 nd March, 2008_

_Master Bedroom_

_Manhattan Townhouse_

_3:20 a.m._

_‘You’re—you—water—baby?’ Andy stares wide eyed as Miranda tries to waddle around the room looking for things to wear and carry._

_‘Call Emily or someone, ask her to come stay with the girls, then call Roy; and if you’ve lost your abih—aaahh—lity tuh function, let me know. Please, do move at a glacial pace.’ Miranda shrieks as she changes into a loose grey wrap dress especially made by Donatella for the whole birthing procedure as she had strictly declined to wear one of those paper dresses from the hospital. ‘ And also call Dr. Abassac ;apprise her of this sudden development.’_

_Even before Miranda has stopped talking and shrieking all the same time Andy has already informed Roy and called Emily (who answered on the fourth ring thankfully!) and is waking the girls up and doing a 10 million other things at the same time._

_Miranda on her part decides to begin her descent towards the ground floor; she sternly declines Andy’s help and instead asks Andy to be with the girls. Who is Andy to cross an already irritated Miranda._

* * *

 

_3.35 a.m._

_Caroline & Cassidy’s room_

_‘But Andy, Mom can’t have the baby now! I mean she didn’t even go to any of those classes you mentioned. She won’t know what to do’ Cassidy speaks through bleary eyes and a broken voice after having been risen so un-expectantly from her slumber._

_‘Andy, it’s not time yet, is it? Will something happen to mom? Will the baby be alright?’ Caroline adds her voice mirroring concern and fear._

_Andy wants to say something along the lines of ‘I don’t know! I’m scared too, what are we gonna do?’ but then her fight with Miranda from last night which seems like an eon away comes back to her and Miranda’s voice tells her that she is a parent now, can’t cater to her ‘whims and fancies’, and in that moment Andy ceases being her own person and transforms into a parent, a real one._

_‘Hey come ‘ere my loves’ Andy bends down on the carpet and opens her arms to draw the girls in. They huddle together along with Cassidy’s teddy and Andy holds them tightly in her hold and caresses them, gives them courage, assures them, ‘It’s gonna be alright. Your mommy had the both of you before this baby, she knows the whole drill and as for your little baby brother, Doctor Susan is gonna take very good care of him. I just need you both to be good for Emily, you don’t want Mom having to worry about you both, do you now?’_

_Both twins shake their heads furiously in tandem._

_‘Will you be brave for me then?’ she puts each of her palm on their hearts ‘be brave and tell whoever that is up there to keep your Mom and your baby brother safe. Alright?’ she smiles a genuine smile._

_The twins work up two little watery smiles and hug Andy again before settling in bed and waiting for Emily to arrive._

_Something in Andy stirs seeing the girls this petrified and clueless and suddenly she has all the courage in the world to move mountains to keep her loved ones safe. She grabs the bag Miranda had been packing and adds a few more things-an extra change of clothes, bendy straws, lip balm, Miranda’s ipod, slippers and other weird things that she remembered from her mother’s phonecall from a week ago._

_Then she dials Dr. Abassac and rushes down the stairs with the bag in hand to look for Miranda._

_‘Hello, hi, umm Dr. Abassac, this is Andy, Andrea Sachs, umm, Miranda Priestly’s, umm,’ lover-partner—_

_‘Yes, yes Andy, is Miranda fine?’ Susan speaks groggily into the receiver._

_‘Umm no, her water broke about half an hour ago—and and she’s having contractions, I guess.’ Andy says as she walks towards where Miranda is sitting on the sofa and clutching her belly looking like she is a minute away from passing out._

_‘How far apart are they?’ Susan asks._

_‘What?’_

_‘The contractions Andy, how far apart are the contractions?’ the doctor asks agitatedly._

_‘Umm, the contractions—how far apart?’ she looks up at Miranda and puts her free hand on the belly.’_

_’10-15 minutes,’ Miranda says through gritted teeth and focuses on breathing normally._

_‘Okay, okay, get her to the hospital, I’ll see you there.’_

_Before Dr.Abassac can disconnect the call Andy decides to ask the inevitable ‘Doctor, another thing, you said you’d do something about the breech--’ beside her Miranda goes stock still._

_‘Andy, get to the hospital first, we’ll decide then. Don’t waste time.’ Dr.Abassac says firmly and then disconnects._

_Andy disconnects the call and stares directly into Miranda’s eyes in which swirl a whirlpool of emotions- for once the blue is not cold, nor warm, but hazy and clouded over._

_Andy puts her hand over Miranda’s where it’s resting on her stomach and gives it a gentle squeeze; because it’s the best she can offer at that moment._

_Andy wants to tell Miranda it’s gonna be alright, there is nothing to worry about, but she doesn’t know that and she doesn’t want to make false promises. Not today of all days._

_It’s Miranda however who takes Andy’s hand, firmly, kisses her palm and whispers, ‘We’ll get through this.’_

_Andy nods in affirmation because that’s the only way both Miranda and her know. They will have to get through this._

_The moment is cut short as a shrill pitched ‘Andy! I’m here!’ reverberates across the living room. Emily as put together as ever in 4-inch heels, runs across the carpeted foyer and into the drawing room at 3 in the morning._

_Emily had long ago crossed the stage of being afraid of Miranda, especially now that she was no longer Miranda’s assistant but the new Assistant Art Editor. She had gone from being Andy’s arch rival to her best friend and although she didn’t stop worshipping the ground that Miranda walked on she had developed enough backbone to look at Miranda as a mentor and her best friend’s partner. So seeing Miranda Priestly in labor at 3 in the morning, face distorted in anguish, clutching Andy’s hand wasn’t that much of a stretch for her._

_‘Hey! This is the earliest I could manage. Roy’s outside, I’ll go up to the girls, don’t worry about them.’ Emily says reassuringly. She looks emphatically at the frazzled couple._

_‘Yeah, oh he is. Okay, we’ll leave then. The girls are in the room. Take care okay.’ Andy says in a harried tone as she helps a struggling Miranda up from the couch and puts a hand around her waist._

_Miranda curls her palms into fists and walks painfully trying to keep the discomfort at bay. Emily hand motions to Andy to give her a call if there’s any news; Andy nods and the couple make their way down the front steps of the townhouse._

* * *

_Ever the faithful chauffeur Roy never fails to do his duty- take the bag, secure them well into the car and drive fast but carefully; don’t disobey signals, be careful with the bumps but get to the hospital already! He’s been with them throughout the whole journey and he’s ready to see it through too, except the fear in his employer’s eyes keeps diverting his attention away from the road._

_The twenty minute car ride seems to go on for an eternity. Every other minute Miranda groans and squirms in her seat and all Andy can do is soothe her with emphatic looks and soft caresses. Andy adjusts the pillow behind Miranda’s back; gives her little sips of water to drink and mops the sweat off her face at regular intervals._

_Miranda looks petrified and Andy is too scared to look into her eyes because she fears that Miranda might read the terror in Andy’s eyes as well-and no, Andy can’t let that happen. Instead she has her eyes glued to Miranda’s stomach which seems to have changed shape in some way-she’d read something about it ‘dropping’! (Why hadn’t she seen it before?)_

_“Andrea,” Miranda’s voice sounds cracked and wispy although she hasn’t uttered a word since getting into the car._

_Finally Andy looks into Miranda’s eyes, which are searching for faith, courage or something in Andy’s to keep her from breaking._

_‘I hope I had—It’s too early—what if?’ she’s too scared to finish the thought, ‘I’m scared!’ and with that the first drop of tear trickles down the elegant slope of Miranda’s cheekbone._

_Andy envelops her lover in her arms careful to not hurt her in any way ‘Hey, hey, sshh, shhh, you said we’ll do this. We can.’_

_She takes Miranda’s palm and kisses it, fervently and repeatedly until Miranda’s sobs subside._

_She stays buried in Andy’s arms and whimpers as the contractions hit. She seems calm, too calm, not like those women in the videos giving birth. Andy wonders, whether it’s a calm before the storm or just Miranda Priestly’s endurance._

_She hopes it’s the second because she isn’t ready for the storm._

* * *

 

_4.30 a.m._

_New York Presbyterian Hospital_

_‘Hi! My wife’s in labor, we need a room and is Dr. Abassa--’_

_‘Andy, Miranda! Everything’s ready. I’ll do a prelim examination and then we can decide. Miranda I’d like you to use the wheelchair.’_

_‘No! And what decision?’ Miranda says through gritted teeth._

_‘You’re in preterm, the baby’s in breech and since you’re already having contractions I highly doubt if we’re gonna be able to delay the labor. So, just follow me, we’ll talk more inside.’ Dr. Abassac starts walking, looking like a woman on a mission._

_Andy doesn’t know whether it’s the doctor’s words or Miranda’s fatigue that wins over but she drops into the wheelchair and grips Andy’s hand a little too tightly._

_They reach a private room meant for VVIPs specially equipped with all amenities and as soon as Miranda is assisted into bed Dr. Abassac starts work._

_Andy stares intently at the doctor’s movements while Miranda’s mind conjures up a hundred ‘whats’, ‘whys’ and ‘ifs’ –what if there is something wrong? Why did she not go for those classes? Why didn’t she brush up on those birthing techniques before? What if she can’t do? What if---_

_‘Miranda you’re about a 6 cms dilated but, the baby’s still in breech and it’s too late for ECV, and-and the baby’s in distress.’_

_‘In distress?’ both mothers shout out at the same time._

_‘Yes, the umbilical cord is choking off the supply of oxygen to the upper part of his body. There is nothing much to worry about, but we’ll have to do an immediate C-section. Anna, prep the operation theatre.’_

_And then it all falls into frenzy, Miranda forgets how to breathe and the oxygen mask is not enough to keep her from hyperventilating and getting restless. From the room to the operation theatre her screams treble as the contractions hit harder. Andy does her best to console her and cool her down with the damp washcloths on her head. Cheeks ablaze and her silver hair matted to her forehead she looks at Andy through glassy eyes as they administer her with the anaesthetic. Andy has never felt so helpless in her life- she knows Miranda is in tremendous pain and yet she can do absolutely nothing to relieve her of it. Instead she looks to Dr. Abassac to help Miranda out._

_‘Okay Miranda, we’re cutting, we’ll have the baby out in no time, it’s all gonna be fine.’ Dr. Susan reassures._

_Andy kisses Miranda’s hand and looks at Miranda for the approval who nods with whatever energy is left in her._

_Miranda takes Andy’s mask off her mouth with her free hand and says ‘Tell me about the day when I wore two different pairs of heels to work.’_

_Andy smiles, tries very hard to put the present situation to the back of her mind and starts her story,_

_‘It was an afternoon in November when Nigel called me and told me you’d started a new fashion trend at Runway. When I asked him what it was he told me you came in looking very chic in a black Vera Wang dress wearing two different pastel shades-brown and blue of Prada pumps. Those Godforsaken six-inches!. Of course everybody at Runway thought you’d done it on purpose and your staff still sometimes maintains that as a fashion statement. You didn’t realize for an entire day that you were wearing two different pairs of heels and it was only in the evening when I asked you how your feet were doing did you realize your folly. I remembered you stared at your feet for more than an hour’ Miranda nudges Andy ‘okay,okay it felt like an hour, the girls and I couldn’t stop laughing. The worst was when you sounded so defeated and said ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me? Incompetent bunch of idiots!’ Andy says in Miranda’s effectual voice. ‘Who would tell the Ice Queen that she was the idiot in this one! Oops!’_

_Miranda blushes and glares at Andy._

_Andy adds, ‘It was the eyes, wasn’t it? You were thinking about the colour of his eyes?’_

_Miranda nods and as if on cue a shrill cry fills the room. Miranda closes her eyes-smiles and whispers ‘Christopher.’_

_Andy jumps up from her seat near Miranda but Dr. Abassac and the nurse are obstructing her view. She can still hear the cries but they sounds less shrill, weaker and she cranes her head to get a good look._

_‘Quick get him to NICU and give me 10 milligrams of Zrtec-D, she’s going into anaphylaxis.’_

_Andy stands stunned in the middle of the operation theatre. She sees the nurse carrying a small bundle of cloth (was it a head there?) in her arms, she can hear machines beeping behind her. She has the urge to run out of the room and follow the nurse but she turns back for a last look at Miranda._

_That’s when terror strikes her. Miranda’s shivering in the hospital bed and vomiting into a bowl next to her. Andy stands paralyzed unable to move. No, no, she’s isn’t prepared for this- not Miranda, nothing can happen to Miranda._

_‘Anna, we need 2 more units of blood, get that ready, we’re losing blood, give me two more milligrams of the antihistamine.’_

_A sharp beep on the ECG machine brings Andy back to reality. She snaps her attention to Miranda again who seems to be losing consciousness and energy with every passing second._

_‘What’s wrong? What’s happening to Miranda?’ she rushes to her lover’s side and takes her hand._

_‘Andy, Andy, we need you out of here. Please. Martha, escort her outside. Miranda will be fine.’_

_‘No, Susan, tell me, Mira--’_

_‘Ma’am, please—we’ll take care of her!’_

_The woman named Martha escorts a reluctant Andy out of the operation theatre and leads her to a chair outside the OT._

_‘What’s happening? My—Miranda?’_

_‘It’s a reaction to the anaesthesia. She’ll be fine ma’am, Dr. Susan has never done a botched surgery.  Calm down.’_

_‘Uh, yeah. Are you sure? Why did they—why did I have to leave?’ Andy tries to look inside the OT though the small round window. Miranda’s being hooked up to machines and but things look under control_

_‘Too many people in the OT is just chaos and panic. Ms. Priestly will be fine!’ Martha reassures._

_Andy nods, then smiles a little, ‘What about my son?’_

_‘Like you know Miss, he’s pre-mature. We’re gonna keep him here for a while in the NICU so he can grow better. You can see him of course, after we sanitize you.’_

_‘Yes, I mean no, I’ll wait till Miranda is fine.’ Andy says._

_‘Okay Miss, I’ll give you the heads up as soon as the surgery is over.’_

_Andy sits on the solitary grey chair and shuts off all thoughts completely. Her phone vibrates in her jeans pocket; she retrieves it to look at the display name: it’s Emily._

_She can’t talk now, not when Miranda is in this state, not when she hasn’t even seen her son. The girls will have questions, so will Emily and she can’t deal with it right now._

_Shall not break down. Shall not break down. Shall not break down. Cannot breakdown._

* * *

 

_‘Andy—Andy?’ someone’s shaking her at the shoulders but it’s not even morning—and it smells of disinfectant and babies---and, she jumps out of her chair and stands up to look directly into Dr. Abassac’s eyes._

_‘Relax Andy’ Susan smiles, ‘Miranda is fine. The initial shock wore off. We’ve stitched her up; there is nothing to worry about. She’ll be unconscious for a while though. Did you have a look at your boy yet?’_

_Her boy, her son. She shakes her head vigorously._

_‘Well what are you waiting for? We’ll talk more later during the day. Get some rest before you have to be up again. Go!’ Susan pats her right arm, ‘and congratulations!’_

_‘Thanks!’ Andy beams and bids adieu to Susan as she is escorted by Martha towards the NICU._

_‘Andy, I’d suggest you watch him from the outside, you’ve been here all night, we don’t want germs--’_

_‘Yeah, no I get it. I’ll go inside tomorrow morning, I mean later today, after I’ve had a bath.’  she ruffles her hair unconsciously and looks among the incubators._

_It all looks so foreign and scary and white, like she’d seen in the movies. Not something she had dreamed of but Andy realizes that blessings are rare and far placed and she’ll take anything that’s given to her, she no longer has reservations. Happiness comes in all shapes and forms. Hers might not be perfect as yet but she hopes it will be, someday atleast._

_‘He’s yours.’ Martha points towards an incubator towards the right end of where Andy is standing. She takes baby steps and moves towards where Martha had pointed, the white tag attached to the incubator is still blank, awaiting a name. A name for her son._

_She leans in to get a good look at what’s inside the incubator. In Andy’s eyes it’s the eighth wonder of the world-the first thing that catches Andy’s attention is his eyes- crystal blue glistening with wonder, maybe like baby Miranda’s. It’s too much for Andy to take in-this tiny person, as wrinkly and scrunched up as he looks with the small tuft of brown on his head is the most beautiful thing Andy has ever seen. She will never be able to erase this memory from her head and neither would she ever want to._

_She smiles and cries all at the same time and keeps staring at the bundle of joy. If only she could hold him and kiss him and protect him from all the world. The baby does a little dance before moving his hand up as if to grasp something and Andy finds it the most amusing thing in the universe._

_She looks up at Martha who is looking at Andy tenderly, happy to see a new mother bonding with her son. The young woman with her antics is almost as wonderful as the baby inside. She looks at Andy crying tears of joy and she knows that now is not the time to tell her that the baby has a long way to go before the glass walls are removed. She doesn’t tell Andy that the show isn’t yet over, that an anti- climax may follow or it might all turn out wonderful._

* * *

 

_6.30 a.m_

_Andy is still beaming when she returns to Miranda’s room._

_Months of devotion, of sacrifice, of trials, of patience, all of it seems immaterial to her now, she’s found her sun, her sunshine. And that’s enough._

_And then Miranda is fine too, so are the girls. It’s all good._

_She realizes now, what it means when women say they feel ‘complete’. She’s never known such happiness; she could never in a lifetime think one night could change her as much._

_She looks at the woman lying in bed, still unconscious. Miranda, her Miranda. Her everything, the woman who had been ready to do anything to see her happy and who had accomplished it at last, after weathering a million storms. Her heart fills with reverence for everything Miranda has done-she is the pillar of Andy’s life and not just Andy’s but also the girls life and now this little person’s life-her person-so she needs to keep Miranda safe and she will fight tooth and nail if required._

_She approaches Miranda’s bed and takes her in-she still looks pregnant mostly, but she also looks sort of peaceful even though the dark circles around her eyes and the hair that is still matted to her forehead cannot hide her utter exhaustion._

_Andy takes Miranda’s hand which is still attached to an IV and kisses the tip of each finger._

_There is too much Andy needs to take care of, she has too many people to call, a hundred things to do, but for now she lays her head beside Miranda and soothes herself with the gentle breathing of the older woman._

_All the world can wait-she has her family beside her-safe and secure and nothing else matters in that moment._


	11. Chapter 11

_“With one burning hand she held his and with the other she kept pushing him away.”_

\- Leo Tolstoy, _Anna Karenina_

 

It had been over a week since that Sunday night dinner and Andy hadn’t seen the Priestlys’ since then. She had spoken to Caroline and Cassidy over the phone and decided on show timings for the coming weekend. Miranda on the other hand had completely disappeared off the radar since that evening. Chris had decided he wanted to go to a video game parlour with his Snow Fairy and she had called up Miranda to let her know about it, but unfortunately she’d been sent to voicemail every time.

One of Miranda’s assistants had later called up Andy to let her know that she was ‘extremely busy’ and wanted to know Chris’s plans so she could juggle her schedule accordingly.  Andy had seen this before, so she had let the clacker know that Miranda would have to talk to Chris directly regarding that matter. However Miranda hadn’t yet called and in the process had highly dampened Chris’s spirits.

 

9th August 2009

The Mirror

2.04 p.m.

 

Andy was washing down a cheese bagel with a cup of lukewarm Starbucks when her phone’s caller id announced it was a certain Miranda Priestly calling. At last. Andy can’t pretend she’s thrilled and yet she wants to be angry at Miranda for not calling earlier, for letting Chris down because it’s her duty—no it isn’t her duty, Miranda doesn’t owe them anything and before a million other thoughts invade Andy’s mind she picks up her cell on the fourth ring and tries to sound a little less than overtly cheerful.

‘Hey! I’ve been—where have—how—are you, Miranda?’ smooth Andy. Smooth.

Andy awaits a reply from the other side but doesn’t get one. Instead she registers a faint sniffle coming from the other end of the phone.

‘Miranda?’

Nothing.

‘Hello? Miranda? Hey, what’s---are you alright? No, I mean, what’s wrong? Is Caro and Cass okay?’

‘No. I mean yes, they’re—okay.’ Miranda sobs into the telephone. Andy hasn’t seen or even heard Miranda cry in a long time and today she gets the same feeling she used to get a year back-to hug and kiss and wipe all her tears away and it sucks that she can’t do it anymore.

‘Andrea—I need your help.’ Miranda pleads pain evident in her voice.

 ‘Miranda, help---what’s? Where are you?’  she’s scaring the shit out of Andy and----

‘I’m—I’m in the stairwell—at office I mean—I don’t know what to do!’ Miranda is confusing Andy more and more with every sentence of hers.

‘Where? What do you mean you don’t know what to do? Miranda, for once, explain what’s happening in Andy language, not Miranda language!’

‘I—I, can I—I need to see you.’ Miranda replies in an uncharacteristically broken voice which in turns makes Andy want to dig a huge hole into the ground and disappear forever.

‘Okay! Okay, yes, do you want me to come to the office? I can be there in twenty.’

‘No! No, not the office. Somewhere, far-away---from my life. Can I meet you at your apartment, please?’

Andy has a million articles to write and leads to follow but she has to decide what’s important and worthwhile and like always she chooses Miranda.

‘Yes, I’ll be there. Of course you can come.’ Then she adds ‘Miranda, I’m here.’

She hears a small sigh, somewhat like a breath of relief from the other end of the line before it cuts off

* * *

 

Andy’s Lower Manhattan Apartment

2.40 p.m.

Andy has managed to reach home in record time-appeasing the Boss, assembling her mound of research articles and a half eaten cupcake and stashing them into her godforsaken briefcase, knocking down innocent pedestrians and almost harassing the subway driver to fly.

 

‘Hey Dmitri, did someone come ask for me?’ a dishevelled Andy asks the shocked doorman.

‘No Miss, only the cat lady trying to sell you her cat.’

 

‘Okay, okay, if Miranda—umm, the one who came that day with her dau--’

 

Oh yes Miss, I remember her.’ Dmitri blushes a deep tinge of red. Andy wants to punch his face.

 

‘Yeah okay! Send her up immediately, don’t make her wait.’ For a moment Andy considers making Miranda wait because then she’d spew her wrath onto poor lovestruck Dmitri and he’d be disillusioned forever but she curses herself for being so jealous and stupid when she realizes Miranda is no longer hers. With that comes the realization that even after everything she’d give up on anything for Miranda-to make sure she’s fine.

 

It disturbs Andy a little too much but she tries to push it to the back of her head and decides how to help Miranda, as a friend. Only a friend.

* * *

 

2.50 p.m.

 

Andy’s been pacing her apartment for the past 10 minutes and she answers the door even before Miranda can ring the bell.

 

To the normal eye Miranda Priestly looks as Miranda Priestly as ever-dressed up to the nines in a leopard print partially see-through chiffon blouse and a black pencil skirt complete with a pair of black Louboutins, Andy almost falls for the facade, but then her eyes catch a glimpse of the shocking paleness below all the makeup, the red rimmed eyes hidden beneath Gucci sunglasses and that’s when she realizes Miranda wasn’t kidding. At all.

 

‘Hey, come in. Please, sit down. Can I get anythi--’ and even before Andy could finish her sentence Miranda has all but flung herself at Andy and is now sobbing into her chest. Andy somehow manages to close the door and wraps her arms around the crying woman.

 

‘Hey, hey, hey...it’s okay..it’s okay.’ For one thing Andy knows not to ask Miranda the root cause of the problem until she has cooled down and for another Andy is really at her wit’s end trying to figure out what is going on-between being engulfed by Miranda’s signature scent on the one hand and being soaked by her tears on the other she has the tremendous urge to forget all about the past so that she can love Miranda all over again and kiss her tears away.

 

She guides Miranda to the settee and allows the woman to cry her heart out. Andy’s cheap clothes are ruined with tears and mascara and so are Miranda’s expensive ones but Andy knows Miranda requires this, whatever might be the reason. A similar setting from Paris comes back to mind-just like this afternoon, that night in Paris Miranda had cried and cried and cried, like a little girl-grieving another failed marriage, the way she unintentionally ended up hurting her daughters, all that she had given to become Miranda Priestly and Andy had been there-just like she is here today-like a steady rock-unwavering and strong.

 

After what seems like a million years Miranda retrieves herself from Andy’s embrace and wipes at her eyes with a wad of Kleenex which Andy had kept ready in anticipation.

 

‘I—uh—I don’t think I can do this again.’ Miranda speaks in a cracked voice and looks away from Andrea.

 

Andy takes a moment to process the information and when the output comes out in indecipherable Miranda language, she asks, ‘What? I’m sorry—do what?’

 

‘This.’ Miranda gestures vaguely around the room. ‘Where’s Christopher?’

 

‘He’s got a play-date.’ Andy says distractedly ‘no, what do you mean this?’

 

‘This whole thing. I’m not ready to do this all over again and lose--’

 

Andy silences Miranda with her hand, ‘and lose what? There is nothing, nothing to lose. Miranda, NOTHING is going to happen. How long, hmm, for long will you deprive yourself? Miranda, it’s time you moved on and this, this Miranda, Chris is your second chance. Don’t throw this away!’

 

Andy cups Miranda’s jaw and turns her face willing Miranda to look directly at Andy’s face. Their eyes are a whirlpool of emotions and when Miranda says, ‘What about us? Will I get a—a second chance?’ Andy’s eyes begin to tear.

 

Andy doesn’t know the answer to that one—as much as she wants she wants, she can’t possibly erase that night from her memory-all the hurtful words, the allegations, the insults which broke her in every possible way keep coming back to haunt her day in and day out. But she knows, no matter what, nothing pains her more than to see the woman she loves in so much pain, so broken and in that moment she pretends it’s all well, that nothing has ever happened at all and she kisses Miranda. She kisses Miranda at last.

 

Then—then everything is like before-Miranda’s surprised lips meet hers and then all goes to hell- their tongues battle to rediscover known territory and shapes, their lips feel the familiar warmth of full soft lips, wet against each other, their ears reacquaint themselves with long forgotten sounds of soft moans and whimpers and their hands caress contours well explored and their fingers entangle themselves in silky tresses of brown and white.

 

Andrea wraps her hands around Miranda’s slender body and inhales that familiar sandalwood scent while the older woman seems to have given herself up completely-she moans and whimpers rhythmically and kisses Andy wherever she can and then Andy closes her eyes and---

 

_‘I can’t even bear to look at you--Not now, not ever. I should have known this was going to happen. Sooner or later they all turn out to be the same—but no,no, I won’t give you the satisfaction of leaving me. I’m leaving you---get out of MY house and don’t come back ever again---and don’t try to contact my children---_

Andy furiously disentangles herself from Miranda’s embrace and rushes to the washroom to splash herself with ice cold water. It’s too much, too early. She’s afraid, afraid of finding love and losing it yet again, and here she was comforting Miranda and asking her to not worry. The irony.

 

Miranda stands face to face as she opens the bathroom door, looking small and defeated.

 

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--’ and Andy silences the older woman again, embracing her.

 

‘Sssh—time, just give us time.’ Andy soothes while Miranda keeps whispering ‘sorrys’ over and over and over again.

 

After a while when they both get their bearings back Miranda makes her way to the bathroom to freshen up and retouch her make-up; she’s already wasted enough time and she has a print deadline looming over head. Andy realizes there is no point going back to work; instead she decides to wind up unfinished articles until Chris gets back home.

 

Miranda exits the washroom with her facade perfectly in place; Andy notices she’s still pale under all the falsities of vanity but there is that glimmer of hope in her eyes again, the blue is sparkling brilliantly like that night from a few weeks ago. Andy smiles, she too has hope that they might win the game this time.

 

‘So, you’re meeting Chris at Fun City this Sunday, I’ll drop him there and take the girls for the show. Then dinner at Pastis, my treat!’ Andy says running the plan by Miranda.

 

Miranda nods, then plants a chaste kiss on Andy’s cheek before leaving the apartment.

* * *

12th August 2009

7.40 p.m.

New York Subway

 

‘Yeah Miranda, our show just got over; we’re heading over to Pastis, what’s up with you and Chris?’ Andy asks into the phone as she jostles with the subway crowd and manages to keep Caroline and Cassidy under her wing.

 

She hears Chris’s giggles from the other side and then he speaks into the phone, ‘Mom, Snow Fairy twisted her ankle!’

 

‘What? HOW? Where is she? Give her the phone Chris?’ Andy yells.

 

‘Oh for Godsake Andrea don’t act like it’s World War Three. Now, there has been a change of plans. Like Chris let you know, I’m in no condition to go to Pastis. I’ve asked Roy to pick us up and take us back home. We’ll meet there, we can order in of course.’

 

‘Yea, yes whatever. Are you hurt? I mean do you want me to come? Do we need to go to the hospital?’

 

‘Not really. No and no.’

 

‘Uh, ohk! Where does it hurt? Only the ankle, right?’

 

‘Yes, I mean no—my—my a—derriere hurts too.’ Miranda blushes

 

‘Oh---umm, oh.How-how did you hurt yourself?’ Andy tries her best to not let Miranda understand she’s having laughing fits.

 

‘Really Andrea, I’m not having a question and answer session over the telephone,’ Andrea hears Chris say something in the background about passing the phone to him.

 

‘Mom, Snow Fairy fell on the bowling alley because she was bowling in heels.’ Chris manages to say while trying to control his giggles. ‘and Mom, her shoes broke and she doesn’t have anything to walk in, I’d give her my shoes but they don’t fit her and--’

 

‘Okay, okay Chris, now disconnect the line, we can talk all about it when you get back.’

 

‘Okie dokie mom. And mom, I had more fun than you did.’ He makes a sound to mock his mother.

 

Andy wants to refute him and say ‘No! Even she’s had enough fun’ but it doesn’t seem right, so she agrees.

* * *

8.20 p.m.

The Townhouse

 

‘Moommm, Chris, we are home!!’ Cassidy bellows as she makes her way towards the living room with her sister and Andy following suit.

 

‘Really Cassidy, what have I told you about trying to talk like a civilized human being?’ Miranda scolds. Cassidy ignores.

 

‘Hmm..are you okay?’ Cassidy asks in a civilized tone and takes a seat next to where her mother has propped up her left foot on a cushion of the sofa.

 

‘Yes, it’s hurts only slightly, I’ve already taken a Tylenol, so it’s going to be fine. Children, please order whatever it is you have to.’

Caroline and Cassidy nod after ensuring their mother is fine and then get involved in an argument with Chris over who has had more fun.

 

‘I think I’ll bandage your ankle after applying a pain relief spray, that way it’ll heal faster.’ Andy makes her way to retrieve the fast aid kit from the ground floor washroom (because that’s where it always is), Miranda protests but one look from Andy shuts her up.

 

As Andy starts work on Miranda’s ankle taking the utmost care so as to not hurt her Chris begins narrating the story of Miranda’s Great Fall without further encouragement.

 

‘--And I was bowling, and then Mama said she could bowl better than me and then, and then she took the ball and whooooooooosssh, she fell down with it, flat, flat on the ground—and then, and then those biiggg heels broke.’ Chris exclaimed animatedly making everyone laugh much to Miranda’s chagrin.

 

‘Christopher, no need to exaggerate things like your mother does. I did not fall down flat and, and I only broke one heel.’ Miranda says blushing furiously. The entire room burst out in laughter again, Miranda purses her lips.

 

Chris continues his story, ‘And then there was this realllyyy cool dude, he had a cool hat and he helped Snow Fairy, coz I couldn’t help her—and, and he said I’d be able to help when I’m as big as him. He was ah-mazinng.’

 

‘Ow!’ Miranda yelped as Andy tied the bandage a little too tightly.

 

‘Chris, don’t say ‘dude’ and I’m sure he wasn’t ‘so cool’.’ Andy bristles.

 

‘Noooo mom, he was and he even played with me for a while till Roy uncle came over coz Mama couldn’t play after that.’

 

‘Oh yeah, I’m sure, he probably helped your Mama into the car too!’ Andy says voice laced with envy.

 

Miranda has the gall to poke Andy with her injured foot and smirk. Andy glistens with jealously. The twins exchange old forgotten looks when things like this were only too common in the household.

 

‘Yea, how did you know? Awesome!’ Chris exclaims and then continues narrating little snippets of his greatest-est evening with Mama.

 

Conversation follows smoothly until dinner arrives which they relish with much fervour except for Andy who still seems to be fuming over the good for nothing so called cool dude.

* * *

 

‘Mom, Mooommm, can we please stay over. I’ve been a good boy the whole entireeee week, please Mom?’ Chris pleaded looking at Andy’s face with puppy dog eyes, Caroline and Cassidy standing behind him with similar eyes.

 

‘Chris, no sweetheart, besides Jessie is with Aunt Cheryl, we’re gonna have to pick her up.’

 

‘But Mom, please, aunt Cheryl loves Jessie, come on, she can keep her for a day.’

 

‘Besides, Andy, what if something happens to Mom at night?’ Caroline says putting the utmost concern into her voice.

 

Andy’s eyes bulge out of her sockets and she stares agape at the children. As if on cue Miranda emits a small painful moan and tries to stand up, but isn’t capable, ‘Caroline! We can’t impose on Andrea this way. I will manage on my own.’ She tries to stand up again but falls and this time Andy rushes forward to catch her. Miranda smiles slyly.

 

‘No, Caroline is right. I’ll—we’ll stay, I’ll call Cheryl. Chris we’re only doing this coz Miranda needs me-us-I mean us.’ The twins giggle, Andy blushes and ushers the kids out of the room ‘Okay, okay off you go, I’ll be up to tuck you in and then help Miranda to bed.’ And then she blushes a deeper red thinking about the inappropriateness of the line. Miranda looks unfazed.

* * *

 

12.03 p.m.

Guest Bedroom

The Townhouse

 

After much ado Andy had made Miranda agree to sleep in the ground floor guest bedroom for atleast one night but on the condition that Andy would have to share the bed with Miranda because it was unacceptable by Miranda standards for Andy to sleep on the couch, especially since Andy needed to keep an eye on Miranda in case she hurt herself again.

 

‘So, do I need brush up my Taekwondo skills?’ Andy asks as she carefully helps Miranda sit down on the bed having helped her into her nightgown( A session which involved lots of unresolved sexual tension, hearts beating at the rate of 1280 beats per minute, high body temperatures and all the steps taken to do nothing about it.)

 

Miranda stares up at Andy in confusion.

 

‘No, I mean if I need to fend off more ‘cool dudes’.’ Andy says seriously.

 

As Andy’s words register, Miranda laughs-her signature raucous laughter, a sound only a few very privileged people have heard before (Andy being one of them); and the room reverberates with it. Miranda glows from within, shines and then says in the softest voice, ‘No, no, how could you have to fend off anybody?’ Miranda extends her hand towards Andrea ‘Come, it’s late.’

 

Andy takes the offered hand kisses it and joins Miranda on the other side of the bed, ‘So, does your derriere still hurt?’

 

Miranda smacks Andy on the chest playfully, ‘What was I supposed to say? Besides, it did hurt.’

 

‘Yes, yes.’ Andy wants to say something like ‘Oh do you want me to kiss it away’ or ‘I bet I can make it better’ but she resists—it’s too early to be making jokes about their intimacy, instead she takes the first step- she embraces Miranda who doesn’t resist in the least and kisses her on the forehead and caresses the silky white hair.

 

Within no time Miranda is out like the light, but sleep doesn’t come to Andy that easily. She stares at Miranda for the longest time and wonders about Chris and the girls, this thing between her and Miranda, their past, forgiveness and happiness. For a moment she wonders about the moment when Miranda and the girls re-entered her life and it makes her delirious with joy and in that moment she realizes that she is ready to trade of all the insult from the past, the heart-break and the inexplicable grief for another shot at happiness.


	12. Chapter 12

_“Oh God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell if it is now doomed to crawl back-to be sucked back-into it?”_

-C.S.Lewis, _A Grief Observed_

_27 th March 2008_

_7.47 p.m._

_The Nursery_

_Manhattan Townhouse_

_A good three weeks had passed since the night Andy became a mother to a son and also almost lost Miranda in the operation theatre._

_Two weeks had gone by since Miranda had been given the clean bill of health and had been discharged from the hospital._

_Only five days had passed since their son had been home._

_It would have been a gross understatement to say that the arrival of this newest member had been anything short of a tornado. Except, the effects of the tornado were not those of destruction but that of addition. Adding the handsomest flower to a garden in full bloom. But it had taken quite a toll on the plant from which it had bloomed._

_It had been hard on Miranda, of course, mentally and physically. But Andy, the ever faithful, had been there at every moment. Every single one._

_She had been there when Miranda refused to eat until she saw their child, she was there to help the  nurses who managed to place a very weak Miranda in a wheelchair and take her outside the NICU, she had been there when Miranda stayed in the NICU corridor and stared at Christopher all night long, she was there to soothe Miranda when she threw a tantrum over nothing and refused any sort of help, she had been there to help Miranda up when she fell down in the bathroom and finally accepted help. She was there to complete all the formalities when Miranda was finally discharged, and she had come to Christopher almost every moment he was awake to make sure he was okay and miraculously she had also been there for the girls. By the end of it Miranda was convinced that only Andy, her Andy could do it all. Indeed._

_So it’s not surprising to see Andy home, early, from work as she looks on tenderly while Miranda breastfeeds their son._

_‘What are you staring at?’ Miranda deadpans._

_‘Two pretty faces.’_

_‘Hmm, my, you’re easy to please. Now, my son I can vouch for, but this,’ she gestures with her free hand around her face, ‘is not pretty.’_

_  
Truth be spoken—the dark circles around her eyes haven’t reduced one bit, her skin still looks extremely sallow and the otherwise perfectly coiffed hair looks much unrulier and longer tonight._

_‘Your opinion doesn’t count.’ Andy gets up to take Chris from Miranda’s hand as she finishes feeding him. ‘Oh Christopher, my son, thinks so too. He is asking Mommy to not be silly!’ Andy mimics in a baby voice and starts burping and changing his clothes for the night._

_Miranda only just shakes her head and feigns indifference but is secretly grateful for everything, for every moment Andy decides to spend with them, for every flaw she ignores._

_‘You’re sure we should keep him here.’ Miranda asks as she peers over as Andy starts tucking Chris in._

_Andy stops talking in gibberish and says ‘Yeah, didn’t Susan say it’s okay. Besides this is why we have a baby monitor. Maybe, maybe we could shift his cot to our room for a month, maybe.’ Andy says less confidently as all the nights of staying awake at the hospital comes to mind._

_‘Yes. Yes.’ Miranda almost sounds relieved._

_‘Well, then Cara and I will do it first thing tomorrow morning.’ Andy turns to place a kiss on Chris’s forehead ‘Goodnight, sweety pweety pie, the apple of my eye.’ Miranda rolls her eyes. She too moves in to place a kiss on Chris’s forehead and whispers inaudibly. Then she stands up and looks towards Andy who’s standing beside her and still staring at Chris._

_They both look at each other for the briefest second but it’s enough, more than enough to convey the mutual indescribable happiness and the eternal gratitude for God knows what not._

_28 th March 2008_

_12.17 a.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_Manhattan Townhouse_

_The baby monitor glows neon in the darkness of the night as a sudden shrill incessant cry fills the room._

_Andy is the first to wake up and venture towards the nursery although she knows that Chris is probably hungry and needs Miranda more now. But Miranda is tired and there is no way in hell Andy is gonna let Miranda take a flight of steps to go nurse their son. Instead she decides to bring him up to their room._

_However when Andy reaches the nursery she is amazed to see that Chris isn’t crying anymore. Miranda can have her sleep after all. She decides to have one look at Chris before returning to her bed so she switches on a dim lamp and makes her way towards the spacious cot._

_That’s when it hits her; that something isn’t right. His face looks sallow, almost green and he seems to be breathing differently-in uneven spurts and he has his face all scrunched up in a pained expression._

_Andy’s heart goes out to her little boy and she takes him up in her arms in an instant. Andy can’t quite make out what’s wrong with Chris, but he looks uncomfortable and the best thing Andy knows is to take him to his mother._

_As if on cue a sleepy Miranda walks into the nursery, ‘I thought you’d bring him upstairs.’ she sounds exhausted._

_‘Mira, something is wrong with him!?’ Andy says cautiously still looking at her son in her arms._

_‘What? What do you mean?’ Miranda rushes towards Andy and Chris and takes him from Andy._

_Of course Miranda isn’t a doctor but she’s a mother and has been one for twelve years now and she realizes that something is gravely wrong. Chris seems to be in terrible pain and his breathing seems troubled and Miranda knows there isn’t a moment to waste._

_‘Get the car out, I’ll tell the girls and be down in a minute. We need to take him to the hospital immediately.’_

_‘Should I call Dr--’_

_‘NO! Just do what I’m saying!’ and then Andy sprints down the stairs and does exactly what her lover asks her to do while Miranda wakes up the girls. There is no way she’s gonna leave them alone at home and there is no way she can call Emily at this time of the night, so she decides to take them along._

_The car ride seems to last for an eternity. While Miranda makes frantic calls to the hospital and Dr. Abassac, Andy tries her damned hardest to drive carefully. The twins sit without a word terrified at this sudden disturbance in their newly found happiness._

_There is a cold nip in the air and the roads are deserted. The quietness of it all, hits them in the bones and as much as they try they can’t keep the feeling of dread at bay._

_‘Andrea,he’s he’s---drive faster, please.’ Miranda says in a strained voice, ‘why is he just sleeping, why isn’t he crying, he won’t—won’t-I can’t get him to feed.’_

_‘Is he going to die?’ Cassidy blurts out with a child’s concern and innocence only to be quieted by Caroline. And like that, just like that, that one thought that’s plaguing all of their minds is out there in the open. Raw and soul piercing._

_‘NO Cass! He’s going to be OKAY sweetheart.’ Andy reassures._

_Miranda sits stock still with a sleeping Christopher in her arms._

* * *

 

_12.47 a.m._

_NY Presbyterian Hospital_

_‘We have an appointment with Dr.Susan’ Andy almost yells at the receptionist._

_‘Yes ma’am she’s waiting for you at the OT. I suggest you let a nurse carry your child...’ but Miranda grasps at Chris a little more tightly, ‘or maybe--’_

_‘OT? Why the OT—Chris?--’ Andy stutters._

_‘Ma’am Dr. Abassac is waiting to answer all your questions._

* * *

 

_They reach the Operation Theatre in no time and the first thing Dr.Abassac says is ‘Wheel him in. It’s what I suspected.’_

_And even before any of them can begin to comprehend the situation Chris is torn away from Miranda’s grasp and rushed into the Operation Theatre, Dr.Abassac close at heel._

_‘No—Chris---doctor---’ Andy rushes forward but is stopped short by a nurse._

_‘Miss, Miss you must wait here. The doctors are working on him’ she tells a frazzled Andy holding onto a shell shocked Miranda._

_‘But—but—what’s wrong with him?’ Andy implores._

_‘Please, give the doctors some time. We’ll let you know asap.’_

_They see another doctor rush in before everything goes eerily quiet and the red bulb from the operation theatre glows brightly portending the impending consequences._

_All this while Miranda hasn’t uttered a single word and now she turns to look blankly at Andy, as if expecting an answer, an explanation for whatever is happening, but Andy has nothing to offer, not even a sense of false comfort because she’s equally shaken.  Equally numb, equally dismantled._

_So instead, Caroline and Cassidy come to their rescue. Like all children, they too can smell fear and grief. So they take each of them by their hand and guide them towards the nearest chairs. And yet there isn’t a single word._

_Andy puts her hands on her face and rubs them vigorously and violently shakes both her legs. Beside her, Miranda sits, hands folded in prayer. Andy’s never seen Miranda pray, they’re not a religious family per se, only probably spiritual. So Andy doesn’t know what to do when she sees Miranda’s mouth move in inaudible prayer. She seems a galaxy away, her eyes fixed on a spot on the floor, unseeing._

_Caroline and Cassidy are huddled in one corner, next to Andy reassuring each other in twin talk. Andy hopes she’d have enough courage to reassure Miranda, to erase that lost look on her face, so she puts her hand on top of Miranda’s folded hands and secures it tightly. Miranda looks at her for a split second and nods before returning to pray. Andy doesn’t know why Miranda might be nodding-she wants to believe it’s Miranda way of saying ‘It’s gonna be alright!’ but she knows it might also mean ‘I know I’m scared too!’_

* * *

 

_1.45 a.m._

_An eternity passes before the neon red light is turned off._

_As soon as Dr. Abassac exits the operation theatre along with the other doctor Andy and the twins jump up._

_‘Doctor, how is he now? Can we go see him? Or shall we--’ Andy stops herself from hyperventilating and gazes across solemn faces._

_‘Andy this is Dr. Saraf, our consulting neurosurgeon, the best in town.’ Dr. Saraf only nods but doesn’t offer his hand for a greeting._

_After the longest pause Dr. Abassac speaks again, ‘Andy, we tried our best. The case was too complicated. Since there weren’t any symptoms, I presume, it wasn’t possible for you to detect the haemorrhage.’_

_‘The—the—what?’ Andy asks incredulous._

_‘What happened to the patien—Christopher was brain haemorrhage—internal bleeding. By the time you’d brought him in here was too much intra-ventricular damage, we--’_

_‘Is-is-he gonna be brain-damaged or something? Because then we’ll manage, we’ll--’_

_‘No, Andy—Andy, we couldn’t—save him.’ Dr. Abassac says in a final tone._

_And then everything stops for Andrea. Somebody seems to have pulled the ground from under her feet and left her to fall through a never-ending deep dark hole. She doesn’t hear the twins sobbing behind her nor everything the doctors seem to be saying. It all just blanks out, like it is just when you wake up and your mind is an empty canvas which can’t seem to process anything for the first few moments._

_And then when she finds her voice, she asks again, because the truth seems too unreal, too brutal, not meant for her or her family ‘Save him? Is he—Chris?’_

_‘I know it’s hard Andy but you have to be strong for Miranda.’ Dr. Abassac pats her on the shoulder and wipes away an errant tear which seems to have fallen without consent. ‘We can arrange for the body to be kept in the morgue before the funeral or whatever you decide—or if you want to see it before maybe?’_

_And Andy still just stands there staring right through Dr. Abassac, as if in a dream. Then she blinks, once, then twice as things begin to register. Christopher is dead. Her son is dead. Her flesh and blood. This is not what she anticipated. In a million lifetimes. All those night time dreams of showing Christopher the world and being the damnest best parent in the world crashes violently into a million tiny pieces and rips her heart out to let it bleed, endlessly. For the first time she wants to destroy the world and everything around her and God for his cruelty. That’s when the tears come in full force, breaking all the dams in its way. That’s when the tears make everything ahead of her blurry and she falls to the ground in a heap and cries. And cries._

_And for once Andy wants someone to hold her and rock her to sleep and tell her it’s all gonna be okay and that everything, all of this is a scary dream and it’s gonna be alright when she wakes up like Miranda tells her when she had nightmares. She needs Miranda, yes that’s who she needs now so she draws out her hand to take Miranda’s who’s still sitting next to her._

_As she grasps Miranda’s hand she finds Miranda shivering uncontrollably. She looks up to stare directly into Miranda’s face which looks ashen. In all her selfish grief she seemed to have forgotten all about her lover sitting next to her. Now when she looks at Miranda whatever is left of her sanity goes away and she wants to kill whoever put this utterly shattered look on her lover’s face and she wants all of it to just go back in time, but in vain._

_She gets up from the ground and takes a seat next to Miranda and holds her lover’s shivering body. Miranda seems to have entered into a world of her own, her gaze is still fixated on that spot on the floor but her face is expressionless, emotionless and except for the violent shivering anyone would think she had turned into stone._

_Andy takes her hand and kisses it and barely whispers ‘Miranda.’ Miranda looks up at Andy and then towards the operation theatre and says ‘Take me to him.’_

_Andy isn’t ready. She’s isn’t ready to face the reality at all. To see her child in a certain way she’d never want to see. But Miranda commands in a raw, broken voice and Andy can’t ignore that._

_‘Are you sure?’ she still asks. Miranda nods only just once. And that’s all._

_Miranda stands up on shaky legs but falls back only to be caught by Andy. ‘Take me’ she says again and Andy knows she really, literally does need to take her there because Miranda is not physically capable anymore it seems._

_She looks towards the twins, gives them her phone and says, ‘Girls, call Uncle Nigel. Tell him.’ She knows it’s her or Miranda who should be doing these things not these innocent little flowers but she also knows that however young they are they understand everything and there is no point shielding them from what is going to come. So she lets them be adults while she goes back to dealing with a bigger problem at hand._

_‘Come.’ She holds tightly onto Miranda as they make their way towards the operation theatre from where Christopher has not been taken out as yet._

_She pauses near the door while Miranda tries to push it open with all her might. She wonders where Miranda is getting all this courage from. She doesn’t want to see whatever lies ahead but she doesn’t want to leave Miranda alone either._

_Miranda seems to be moving in a dream, fleeting, unaware, detached. She goes up to the hospital bed, the stark white of which hits the eyes, and in the middle of it lay their son. Still, peaceful. It looks almost as if he’s sleeping and might wake up any minute and cry for Miranda._

_Andy wonders if miracles happen. If Chris might actually start crying when Miranda goes and sits next to him. Her whole body pains to even have to witness this. She doesn’t want to go nearer to them, fearful that she might do something that she’d regret forever. But there is no way she can keep herself from crying. Howling. Body-racking sobs as she makes her way towards where Chris’s lifeless form lies._

_‘Sssshhhh’ Andy looks up to see Miranda shushing her. She’s stroking Christopher’s forehead and whispering in a language Andy doesn’t understand-Hebrew or something similar and then Andy breaks because Miranda starts humming a lullaby. Andy’s heard her sing it before but tonight it’s so raw and sincere and heartbreaking it scares Andy._

_She seems to be sing forever and then stops suddenly._

_‘I have the tuxedo you know. He’s is going to look so beautiful.’ She slides a finger down his cold cheek._

_‘Miranda, oh Mira!’ Andy rushes to where Miranda is sitting and falls to her feet and buries her face in Miranda’s lap while she wraps her arms around Miranda’s still trembling body._

_And still Miranda doesn’t shed a single tear. Andy wonders what other horrendous things Miranda might have gone through to make her so strong in the face of such adversity. Or is it that Miranda still doesn’t understand? Or is it only the calm before the storm._

_But for now Andy cries and cries while holding onto to Miranda for dear life. Miranda sits and sings and rocks Chris in her arms._


	13. Chapter 13

  _“Hope_ __  
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,  
Whispering 'it will be happier'...”   
― Alfred Tennyson

It’s been a few months since Christopher persuaded his mom to night-stay at the townhouse. They do it more often now; Andy needs no persuasion, whatsoever. They’ve almost become a fixture in the townhouse now, even Jessie. The weirdest part about it all is how natural it seems as if nothing really happened, not a single moment a grief crossed them once. None of them know how they fell back into a parallel happier world from the past but it seems right and something they realize, they fight tooth and nail to preserve. But then there are those occasional reminders of things from the past

 

Like that sacred room which had been locked and preserved till now as a memory to the child that inhabited it for a mere week. Chris stays there now.

 

Miranda’s made sure of installing a fancy bed and numerous other things to humour Christopher and make the room more age appropriate. She’s had specific ideas about every single addition that’s been made and has had it executed to the hilt. Except, she’s not seen the results, the outcome of it. No, not as yet, Miranda still can’t make herself go in there. Too much anguish, painful and raw. It’s getting better though. Andy is helping and so is Christopher. 

 

Sometimes she can even get herself to talk about him with Andy, how it might have all turned out, how they wouldn’t have had to waste time away from each other, how it might have all been different if their son were  still alive. But Andy soothes her as she cries silent tears on some nights and tells her it needn’t be different anymore. They have a son now and they can again have all the happiness they want, Miranda only needs to have faith. Live a little more on hope.

 

25th December, 2009

The Townhouse

11:01 p.m.

 

As the credits for It’s A Wonderful Life roll on screen Andy casts a look at Miranda who’s sitting next to her on the sofa with an armful of Christopher. She looks sleepy herself and Andy realizes they’ve actually had a tiring but fun day, in a way Christmas is supposed to be.

 

The twins are on either sides of Andy and Miranda and are barely awake either, yawning and cuddling into them.

 

Andy quietly mouths a ‘I’ll take him upstairs.’ and begins to take Chris from Miranda’s arms when she stops her, ‘No, deal with the girls, I’ll put him to bed.’ and with that Miranda carefully gets up from the sofa with Chris in her arms.

 

For a moment Andy thinks that Miranda’s forgotten where Chris sleeps and that she never goes in there and an involuntary, ‘But’ slips out from her mouth. But Miranda looks at her knowingly and smiles a sad smile and the nods once before making her way towards the stairs.

 

Andy smiles involuntarily as she tries to get the girls to their feet and makes her way with them towards their room. She knows--- she realizes that Miranda is ready to move on at last.

* * *

 

11.05 p.m.

Chris’s Room

The Townhouse

 

 As soon as Miranda enters the room a thousand smells engulf her senses. Christopher smells a lot like this room but here the smells are even more pronounced. She makes the mistake of looking around to take in the room---the little clouds and animals on the walls, the cot, the neon lights on the ceiling, the wind chime----they all conjure up a million memories from the past and she feels her chest closing up---her son’s birth, the nights at the hospital, that fateful night, the pain, the grief it almost comes all crashing back and she has a violent urge to abandon everything and flee.

 

She almost decides to and turns around when she realizes she wouldn’t have any explanation to offer to Andrea and one look at her and Andrea would know—know that she’s still fleeing from the past, that she’s weak and no, no---she can’t let that happen anymore. They’ve moved on, haven’t they and this would only be a step backwards. Not something she can afford now, when things are going so well.

 

So instead she decides to put Chris to bed and flee—flee to the nearest bathroom or anywhere where no one can see or hear her.

 

She rushes to the bed to put Christopher down for the night and starts to tuck him in when his hand grabs hers in sleep and he holds it tightly, close to his chest. Miranda thinks her heart might explode and leap out of its cage and suddenly, the oncoming tide seems to have receded, she feels at peace, the world doesn’t seem to be closing up on her anymore. She can breathe evenly again and it all seems fine.

 

She smiles unknowingly and sits down on the floor next to the bed and starts to gently stroke his hair with her free hand. And then she starts humming, involuntarily again, the same tune she’d hummed in that hospital bed more than a year ago...

 

_Sleep, my child, for the red bee hums the silent twilight falls_  
Eeval from the grey rock comes to wrap the world in thrall  
A lyan van o, my child, my joy, my love and heart's desire  
The crickets sing you a lullaby beside the dying fire

_Dusk has come and the Green Man's horn is wreathed in rings of fog_  
Sheevra sails his boat 'til morn along the starry bog  
A lyan van o, the paly moon hath gleamed her cusp in dew  
And weeps to hear the sad sleep tune I sing, o love, to you

As she hums and gets lost in his baby face she thinks of how they spent the day. How different it was from last Christmas.

She smiles as she remembers waking up in the morning to Chris chanting ‘I’m awake!’ and jumping into their bed for a round of tickling matches with Andrea while she ranted about acting civilised which went completely unheard by the other two.

They’d been lucky enough to have the girls with them for Christmas as their father was busy working (as usual) and Miranda remembers the smiles plastered on their faces all throughout the day. She remembers spending the day in their backyard with Andrea and the kids and their failed attempts at making a snow man which had eventually turned into a snow ball fight and she had threatened them to keep her out of it but Chris wasn’t listening and soon she had been pelted with snow balls from every angle much to her fake annoyance and everybody else’s laughter.

Miranda hadn’t really raised her daughters into any religion and most certainly not in her own for reasons only she knew all too well. So there weren’t really any Christmas traditions they kept and it turned out neither did Andrea. The twins did things that the kids loved- decorating the Christmas tree, early morning presents, a family lunch and making snow mans apparently.

She remembers the noisy yet happy lunch, baking a hazelnut and chocolate meringue cake in the evening which was a rare exquisite treat for the rest of people who engaged in uncivilized activities like jumping around the house while she swore and sweated in the kitchen.

They had ended the day with a movie and the kids had slept off even before it was over while Andy and she had half concentrated on the movie and half on each other.

She snaps out of her daydream and looks back at Chris who is sound asleep and is still gripping her hand tightly. She’s lays her head beside him and forgets about all her worldly worries.

* * *

 

After putting the girls to bed, Andy waits for more than half an hour for Miranda to return to their bedroom. Andrea knows it’s the first time she’s been into that room and she decides to give her time to bury her grief and create fresh memories but as the clock ticks her worries get the better of her and she ventures towards her son’s room.

* * *

 

As she enters the room she sees Miranda asleep beside Chris’ bed with her head snuggled into his chest and their hands entwined. Andy’s heart melts at the sight and all she wants to do is to stare at it forever, so she does exactly that, captures it in her phone’s camera and puts it in a folder which Miranda won’t easily see because the picture shows Miranda at her most vulnerable—without any pretence, no facade, a slight smile grazing her lips—she looks peaceful. Chris on the other hand looks more content than he does when he’s playing his ‘favouritest’ video game. Andrea has no heart to wake her Miranda from her peaceful slumber but she knows Miranda will be sore all over the next morning if she sleeps this way.

She gets the faintest idea of carrying Miranda up to their bedroom and muses at the romanticism of it. With that exactly in mind she goes ahead to where Miranda sleeps and untangles her hand from Chris’ and starts to pick her up when Miranda stirs and blinks in a disoriented manner.  Andy thinks she’s never seen her looking this adorable.

‘Whaa—sleepy!’ Miranda complains. Andy shushes her and lifts her from the ground firmly and guides her towards the door.

They are almost about to exit the room when Andy extends her hand to switch off the light but suddenly Miranda revives and places her hand on Andy’s to prevent her from switching off the light.

She turns back to look at the sleeping boy in the bed and then glances around the room, her eyes stopping at every small detail—all the additions made on her recommendation which she hadn’t seen till now—she smiles slowly, at last and glances at Andy who gets lost her in Miranda’s eyes. Andy thinks she’s never seen Miranda look more soft or beautiful.

Then, she switches off the light tenderly, clutches Andrea’s hand firmly in hers, leans her head on her shoulder and lets Andrea guide them towards their bedroom before closing their bedroom door on the darkness.


	14. Chapter 14

_“Your coffin reached the monstrous hole. And a part of me went down into the muddy earth with you and lay down next to you and died with you.”_ _  
―_ _Rosamund Lupton_ _,_ _Sister_

_A day had passed. A lifetime it seemed._

_Nigel and Emily had taken up all the responsibilities, strong yet utterly silenced by the shock. They’d made the calls, made arrangements for the funeral, looked after the twins, kept the media away from the family as much as possible and taken care of every other detail, all the while obsessing over the two people who’d come to become integral parts of their lives._

_It was a nightmare in every sense of the word. It had been a task bringing them away from the hospital amidst Miranda’s stubbornness, Andy’s hysteria and the press. Once back, Andy had taken to sobbing relentlessly until physical exhaustion had claimed her._

_Andy’s parents, friends and the twins’ father had soon arrived too and had been of tremendous help with the twins._

_It was Miranda that everyone was most worried about. If anything ever went wrong with her it was always upto Andy to make it right because simply put no one could ever ‘fix’ Miranda like the way Andy did, almost magically. However Andy had been so too broken herself to take care of her lover, leaving Miranda to her own devices._

_Miranda had resigned herself to a spot near Chris’s cot and hadn’t moved all night. She had been as stoic as ever, not a single tear but the involuntary shivering hadn’t stopped. When Nigel had tried to cover her up with a blanket and soothe her he’d been literally shoved out and the door closed on him._

_And that had been that._

_30 th March 2008_

_Towncar_

_11:04 a.m._

_It’s still all very surreal for Andy-she doesn’t remember getting into the car and sitting with Miranda and the girls. It seems as if she hasn’t looked at them for a million days and when she does her heart breaks even more-the twins sitting in between her and Miranda are huddled close together. Cassidy is clutching ‘Mr.Buggsie’ their favourite rabbit who’s lost all its whiskers-they mostly insist that they’ve grown out of that phase but not today it seems. Andy imagines how different the day might’ve been had Christopher been there and she knows that she can’t keep doing this-imagining how things might’ve been—hurting herself even more. It just simply won’t do._

_Beside them, Miranda sits still as a statue in her black knee length Valentino and a set of pearls; looking at particularly nothing outside the window._

_Andy’s not spoken to her in the past two days-she remembers being surrounded by her parents and friends but she hadn’t seen Miranda and she’d tried to be with her but had been shut out and Andy understood her lover-just the way she wanted people around her when she felt happy or sad Miranda wanted to be alone and she respected that but she knew they’d have to grieve together soon, to get it all out of their systems but at this moment Andy didn’t even want to think about anything, let alone tackling their grief together._

_‘Such a beautiful day isn’t it? I can’t remember such a beautiful day.’ Miranda’s voice rings starkly in the eerie silence._

_Andy notices Miranda playing continuously with the pendant which had once belonged to her, turning it in her hands over and over again and gripping it firmly now and again._

_Andy has nothing to offer except silence._

_The Church of Holy Trinity_

_12 noon_

_Andy wonders who’s decided this place for the burial, she wonders if Miranda would want something else but her lover is sitting on a chair as if in a trance and nothing seems to matter to her._

_Always. Always Miranda would start out as the strong one and then leave Andrea in the battlefield, alone, to fend for herself and the rest of them. Like she’s done today too._

_Andrea knows it’s a facade that Miranda’s put up, that inside she’s breaking into a million tiny pieces just like Andy herself is but Andy needs to be the strong one and so when it’s time for her to make the speech, she takes Miranda’s hand and guides her along with her towards the grave. As they stand beside one another in front of the tiny rosewood casket adorned with all the flowers of the valley, Andy recites_

_“You haste away so soon:_  
As yet the early-rising sun  
Has not attained his noon  
Stay, stay  
Until the hasting day  
Has run  
But to--”

_And suddenly Miranda is shivering all over and sobbing hysterically, heart wrenching sounds of excruciating pain fill the air with its dominance and Andy does her best to hold Miranda upright while whispering meaningless platitudes into her ears._

_‘Mira, baby, shh.’_

_‘No—no’ and suddenly she breaks free of Andy’s arms and flees not knowing where to go as the hysteria claims her._

_Andy’s never seen her like this, Miranda’s probably never allowed herself to be this way, the press is going to have a field day!_

_Andy runs after her as she runs towards nowhere and finally catches up with her. By now Miranda can hardly even breathe, Andy holds her as Miranda struggles against her grip and tries to calm her down. Her face is red and streaked with tears and the short puffs of breathe she can manage to inhale aren’t enough as she hyperventilates against Andy’s body._

_‘Let’s go. We can go back home. It’ll be okay!’ at the mention of that Miranda loses it even more and struggles violently against Andy who attempts to get her into the waiting car. Andy receives the message loud and clear, that whatever happens Miranda isn’t leaving and going anywhere._

_After a while she seems to calm down and her body sags against Andy’s. Wordlessly she motions for them to return._

_Everything passes in a blur after that and Andy works on auto-pilot mode doing whatever is asked of her._

_By the time they return home the twins are fast asleep due to all the mental exhaustion and after the outburst Miranda had come out of her trance and had stabilized a little although the tears still kept falling continuously._

_Andrea tries to get both of them some sleep too, for a while, to wear off their mental exhaustion but Miranda only just sits quietly in the middle of their bed and keeps staring into nothingness._

* * *

 

_8:24 p.m._

_Master Bedroom_

_‘Miranda, we need to eat.’ Andy walks in with a tray laden with food that had been ordered by Nigel for them as Miranda sits with her head in her hands. She stares at Andy blankly for a while and then goes back to staring into nothingness._

_She’s already somehow managed to get the kids to eat and put them to bed but now Andy is too tired herself, she doesn’t have the energy for all this-taking care of it all, now that Chris is gone. She can’t do it all like everyone seems to think, can’t be strong for the kids and Miranda, she’s human after all, but still, after everything she tries—_

_‘Hey, look, not eating will not help. He won’t come back and you’ll just get weaker and weaker. We need to move on, one day at a time, Mira, you and I need to help--’_

_Miranda looks up incredulously at her and says, ‘Move on? From what? From losing my three weeks old baby? From those eight months of waiting? From what Andrea, what?’ her face gets redder by the second and fresh set of tears start rolling down her face._

_Andy closes her eye and knows she is in for a long night._

_‘Miranda, I’m only saying that you not eating will not make him come back. You think I’ve moved on? No, but you and I and the girls we’re all we have and we need to help each other through this, I’m only being rational.’_

_‘You probably shouldn’t talk about rationality in front of me. I’m Miranda Priestly remember!’ Andy sighs as Miranda continues ‘But you know what, rationality doesn’t play a role when you’ve lost your own child. Maybe you’d understand if you were a mother.’_

_The last sentence rips Andy’s heart into two leaving it to bleed in the open and she has the urge to shut Miranda up or shout at her but she knows Miranda is hurting and she tries her damndest best to not react violently._

_‘I AM a mother.’_

_Miranda scoffs dryly and gets up from the bed to move towards one of the Victorian windows in their room and stares at the traffic below. Andy takes in her appearance and is amazed that she’s almost already lost all of the weight from the baby. Miranda traces a hand over her abdomen, maybe involuntarily and wipes a stray tear from her left cheek and turns towards Andrea again. She looks hauntingly beautiful--her eyes are rimmed red with tears and the dark circles around her stormy blue eyes have intensified over the past few days which contrast even more prominently against the paleness of her skin but it doesn’t take away from her any of her beauty._

_‘You didn’t give birth to him, how would you know?’_

_Andy blinks back tears ‘Miranda please, I know you’re angry and sad at the world and so am I. Can we not direct it at each other? It won’t---’_

_‘Why not?’ she charges towards where Andy is standing ‘you gave me hope, my God I lived on it!’ she hits both her inner palms on Andy’s chest, ‘you gave me Chr—Christopher. You told me it would be fine! What happened, huh?’_

_Andy has no answer to offer except tears. Miranda retreats and turns back and whispers ‘Maybe we shouldn’t have left him alone that night. Maybe he’d be here with us right now if we had gotten his cot into our room.’_

_‘Miranda, this had nothing to do with where he was.’_

_‘How can you be so sure? What are you, a doctor? We should have brought him to our room.’_

_‘It wouldn’t have made a difference!’_

_‘WE SHOULD’VE BROUGHT HIM WITH US!’ Miranda shrieks as she takes a vase full of roses and smashes it to the ground. The glass breaks into a million tiny pieces- like their lives and the water splashes across the room as the roses get strewn around their feet while its faint sweet smell fills the atmosphere._

_Andy’s seen quiet and angry Miranda but she’s never seen Miranda this way-loud and violent and she’s not used to handling this Miranda._

_‘What are you doing?’_

_‘What am I doing? What am I doing? Taking charge, like I should’ve, long before. Instead of relying on YOU.’ She takes another vase and throws it at the opposite wall. The water leaves stains on the wall paper and the vase slides to the ground noisily against the silence._

_‘STOP IT!’_

_‘No! Did you do anything to stop it?’ Miranda hurls things off their dressing table._

_The realization dawns on Andy soon, ‘You mean I should’ve brought him to our room.’_

_‘I told you to transfer his cot. You said you’d do it in the morning. Did he wait for you?’ she shakes Andy ‘did he?’_

_‘Mira, you’re bringing up things unnecessarily!’_

_‘Don’t you ‘Mira’ me! Don’t tell me what’s necessary and what’s not! Don’t you feel ashamed?’_

_Andy can’t quite keep up with Miranda and she darts her a confused look._

_‘All your fake, hollow promises of giving me happiness, making me the happiest woman in the world. This—this is what you’ve given me.’ She gestures at the broken pieces of glass around them. Their room resembles a warsite. Destruction all around, it’s ironical that Miranda blames Andy when she’s made this room what it is, ‘Forever a disappointment. You’ve hurt me more---’_

_Andy rushes towards where Miranda is standing and covers her mouth with her hands ‘Stop it! Just stop it okay! YOU’VE SAID ENOUGH.’ Andy’s eyes and face are ablaze and she forgets Miranda is hurting and is saying all this as a consequence of that, trying to build that infamous barrier around her again._

_Miranda struggles against Andy’s taller frame and removes herself from her grasp ‘No! I’ve not’ and with that she starts breaking things in their room. She targets Andy’s things in particular and crashes them against the floor and walls._

_Andy’s never seen Miranda like this and it scares the shit out of her and she doesn’t know what to do—she is extremely angry at Miranda but she more scared for her wellbeing and she fears all this might take too much of a toll on Miranda’s health._

_‘Miranda, please the girls will wake up!’_

_‘Let them! Let them come and see that their mother has gone mad.’  She proceeds to the closet and starts throwing Andrea’s clothes onto the ground._

_‘Actually I think I’ve come to my senses once again.’ She looks up from the heap of clothes and stares directly into Andy’s eyes ‘Leave.’_

_Andy stares back with incomprehensible eyes._

_‘We’re done.’ And with those two words Andy’s self control shatters into a million tiny pieces. A heart wrenching sob breaks from within her throat and she continues staring accusingly at Miranda who seems calmer now. The wildness from a moment before is gone._

_Andy thinks Miranda might listen to reason again ‘Miranda, please, you’re—this is too early---we need time. Please don’t make decisions right now.’_

_The ensuing silence is excruciating._

_Then Miranda speaks, quietly, in that voice Andy knows ‘Andrea, I’ve thought and thought and thought about this. If you stay here, you will remind me of him every moment of every day and I won’t be able to see him and I’ll come to hate you more than anything in the world.’_

_Andy goes up to Miranda and wraps her arms around her waist ‘Miranda, sweetheart, please, just let us think this over. It seems right to you now but we’ll regret this. It’ll be the biggest mistake.’ the desperation is apparent in Andy’s voice._

_‘Falling in love with you was my biggest mistake. I’m done hurting myself. Please, go away. Please.’ Miranda almost begs as her voice breaks as she moves out of Andy’s grasp yet again and shakes her head sideways._

_Andy wipes her tears and tries to be strong, ‘Miranda please!’ but Miranda only shakes her head vigorously again and turns her face away._

_‘They were all right, you know. About you. Selfish ice queen. You’re inhumane!’ Andy is hurting and she can’t stop herself from being angry at Miranda. She knows she will regret her words later but what is regret when she can’t see the future anymore. When everything seems exceedingly bleak and there is no ‘them’ anymore._

_Now the tears are falling freely from her eyes as she levels more accusations against Miranda, ‘You treat people like last season’s couture. Once their use is over and they’re out of fashion you just throw them away. So typical. You don’t deserve---’_

_The sound of a palm meeting with a cheek fills the room ominously. Andy’s cheek glows red from the impact as she stares at Miranda unable to process anything anymore._

_‘Get out of my house!’ Miranda shouts, shivering, eyes ablaze._

_Andy’s eyes bore directly into Miranda’s and for the first time in a million years she fails to see any tenderness in them. They’re filled with rage, grief and contempt and Andy knows it’s over. It’s over after all._

_Andy turns to leave, wordlessly._

_‘Your things will be sent to you. Give Roy your address. And don’t try to contact MY children. That’s all.'_

_And that’s how Andy knows it’s really truly over. Finito._


	15. Chapter 15

_“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming.”  
_ ― Pablo Neruda

28th March, 2010

Master Bedroom

The Townhouse

6:03 a.m.

 

The first rays of sunshine stream through the spotless white silk curtains and hits Andy’s eyes directly. She squints for a moment and curses internally but as she opens her eyes fully, she can’t help but break into a wide smile.

 

Miranda is still sleeping soundly with the sun against her naked back only covered by blankets and glinting off her silver hair which almost gives it the appearance of a halo and Andy can only just marvel at her lover’s beauty. The faint lines near the corner of her eyes and mouth add more beauty to the otherwise flawless porcelain skin and she sleeps with a faint smile on her lips. She looks so far removed from the Miranda the fashion world is used to, this is Andy’s Miranda.

 

It’s been almost eight months since they got back together and three months since they moved into the townhouse again. Each day has been an exercise in re-learning and revelling in each other. Andy chuckles to herself as memories from last night come back-the champagne, the roses and the sex. Thank God they’d been able to put the kids to bed at a decent hour. Last night had been out of the world and she still feels sort of sore from it. Nevertheless she wraps an arm softly around Miranda’s midsection under the blanket and kisses her forehead.

 

Miranda stirs and emits a small ‘mhmm’ but still seems asleep. On some days Andy loves to let her sleep because Miranda works hard and needs her sleep but more so because Andy loves to watch Miranda in her sleep-likes to listen to her gentle, soft breathing, likes to look at her eyes flutter in R.E.M, likes to count the freckles on her face and lots of other things. However, today it seems that she’s still in last night’s mood and can’t wait to ravish her lover all over again.

 

So she kisses her again, this time on the nose and Miranda knits her eyebrows and looks faintly annoyed as struggles to open her eyes and focus. Andy smiles widely at her and Miranda shakes her head and scoots a little into Andy and buries her head in the crook of her neck.

 

Andy ignores the fact that Miranda probably wants to sleep some more and starts kissing her face and caressing her back and abdomen as her hands inch slightly upwards towards Miranda’s breasts.

 

Miranda suspecting this suddenly lifts up her face and raises an eyebrow. Andy only smirks and takes it as an opportunity to start kissing her neck and collarbone.  Andy plants little soft, open mouthed wet kisses as Miranda tries to resist ‘Was last night not enough?’

 

‘Yes, you’re always enough but also irresistible.’

 

Miranda chuckles and wraps her arms around Andy who’s again busy kissing and nipping at Miranda’s naked flesh.

 

‘This rules!’ Andy says while her hand slightly brushes Miranda’s nipples and she captures her lips in a kiss. Miranda whimpers that characteristic ‘ungh’ of hers which makes Andy forget all reason as she abandons Miranda’s lips to pay more attention to her breasts.

 

‘The children will be aahh—upp—unhhhn.’ Miranda says breathlessly as she tries to resist but wraps a leg around Andy’s back. Miranda doesn’t know how Andy manages to make her such a babbling mess—it’s almost annoying but also exhilarating and almost scary that Andy has so much power over her. But she’s come to accept it, she doesn’t mind it, she’s ready to surrender her body and soul selflessly to this woman who seems to have brought her back from the dead.

 

She can feel she’s already soaking wet and as Andy moves along her body to place lingering kisses on her abdomen and finally swivels her tongue across her navel Miranda shivers and bucks against Andy’s hips ‘oh! Oh..please’

 

‘Please what M?’ Andy asks as she removes the hand covering Miranda’s face, she’s blushing profusely and Andy kisses her lips and whispers against her ear, ‘I like it when you talk dirty! Tell me?’

 

Miranda shivers again and huffs, ‘Oh, I need you inside me. Please.’

 

‘No, say the word.’ Andy says as trails her fingers along Miranda’s upper thighs, dangerously close to her vagina.

 

‘Oh Christ! Please fuck me.’ And that’s all Andy needs before she has two fingers deep inside her lovers soaking wet pussy. She strokes in steady rhythms and soon adds a third finger when Miranda’s breathing becomes laboured. She fastens the pace of her pumping as she sucks on her clit and does other wonderful things with her tongue which always leaves Miranda breathless. Soon she’s coming and Andy laps against her juices as if it were the sweetest, most wondrous thing in the world.

 

‘Oh, oh stop! I can’t anymore. Oh..how do you do this?’ Miranda asks as she goes limp and pants.

 

‘I have my ways.’ Andy says she emerges from between her legs and kisses her squarely on the lips, making the older woman taste herself on her lovers lips. She lies down beside Miranda and traces little patterns on her abdomen.

 

‘I will take care of you in a while; give this old woman some time to recover.’

 

Andy chuckles, ‘Old woman my foot! And nope, I’ve had my morning breakfast sweetheart. I’m content.’ She licks her lips and smirks. And then looks at Miranda. She has her face turned to the other side and has gone quiet.

 

‘Did you sleep off? Mir--’ as Andrea turns her face she sees tears in Miranda’s eyes, ‘heyyy, baby, what’s wrong?’

 

Miranda closes her eyes as the tears flow towards her temples. ‘It’s March 28th today.’

 

Andy wipes away her tears and simply says, ‘Yes, we owe him a visit.’

 

Miranda looks at Andy with pleading eyes, as if to say she can’t do it but Andy looks back with strength and certainty which say ‘yes you can’.

 

And with that they start the day.

* * *

 

11:00 a.m.

 

‘Where are we going mom?’ Chris enquires as he sits in the back seat of their Jaguar in between Caroline and Cassidy.

 

In the passenger seat, Miranda sits quietly looking out into the passing traffic, a million memories passing through her mind. She has a clearer idea of what happened exactly two years ago, now, than she did then. It was a similar day yet she’d felt utterly hollow on that day and she feels almost happy today, as if she’s going to meet a long gone friend to him all about what’s happened to her in the past year even though she knows he can’t reply.

 

‘You’ll see soon buddy. Miranda, put on the Bach will you.’ She is drawn out of her reverie by Andy’s voice and she fumbles for a bit before locating the CD. The familiar tunes of Bach fill the car and Chris keeps them entertained by pretending to play the violin and for a moment Miranda thinks she’s never lost anything at all. It’s all here. This is her family, her children, her everything and there is nothing more she needs. At last it feels enough.

 

As the car comes to a stop, they get down and make their way towards the all too familiar place, Andy holding Chris, the girls following  and Miranda following behind with a bouquet of oriental lilies

 

As they reach the stone, Andy is the first to sit down in front of it as she kisses her hand and places it on the stone.

 

‘Hello Chris.’ She says and clears the leaves on the grave.

 

‘Mom, why are you calling it Chris, I’m here.’ Chris says innocently.

 

‘This is your brother, baby, he’s with God now, you can’t see him ever, but here you can talk to him, he will listen to you. His name was Christopher too. We wanted you to come see him today.’

 

‘Is this mama’s baby, who always made her sad?’

 

Andy starts to say something, but Miranda kneels down places the flowers on the grave and caresses her son’s head, ‘Yes my darling. He did. He was our baby, just like you are. We’ll always miss him but now we have you.’ Miranda says and places a kiss on his forehead.

 

Chris nods as if he understands something and then turns to the headstone and runs his hands over the engraving.

 

‘Hey brother! It’s okay, you don’t need to feel sad for making mama unhappy, I’ll cover for you.’ He kisses the headstone and then turns to Cassidy and Caroline with mischievous eyes as he says ‘Catch me if you can.’ And runs off. The twins follow suit.

 

Andy’s and Miranda’s eyes meet, they brim with unshed tears and they look away towards his little headstone. It says

 

_“You are the closest_

_I will ever come to magic”_

_Christopher Priestly Sachs_

_Much beloved son and brother_

_A Miracle_

_(2 nd March, 2008 – 28th March, 2008)_

Miranda traces every word, deep in thought, as if conversing with her son in her own world, arranging the flowers beautifully against the grave,. Then she smiles, kisses the grave and whispers a ‘I love you’.

She turns to look at Andy with happy eyes filled with gratitude and love and selfless devotion which disarms Andy, then she says, ‘I must go see what they’re upto.’ And with that she gets up and leaves to join her children.

 

Andy sits for a while and looks at her family in the distance. The girls are laughing over something Chris did while Miranda runs around trying to get hold of their son. Andy smiles and turns to the grave.

 

‘Thanks buddy, for bringing them back to me. I won’t ever let you down. Love you.’ She lights the candle she’s brought along and leaves it glowing, strongly, inspite of the wind as she too joins her family.

 

_Fin._

* * *

 

* * *

 

_Thank you so much for reading.  I think I will circle back to this with an epilogue and a few vignettes from time to time maybe, but for now this is all I have to offer._

_Hope you liked it. Let me know._


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